Written by Lorenzo Lee
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Monday, 22 December 2003

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Keith Richards, 60???

Sussex- Rolling Stones Guitarist Keith Richards has been arrested on charges of "turning 60 without dying yet."

"Why won't he die?," were the words uttered by an aging, apparently angry constable present during the arrest.

The charges stem from a long-going celebrity dead pool that has consistently listed Mr. Richards as "the number one most likely to die this year" circulating among members of the Establishment every year for about 30 years now.

The indomitable guitarist, who has a long-standing reputation for being "The World's Most Elegantly Wasted Man" and "The Human Riff" was known to have chemical addictions during the late 1960's and 1970's.

An arrest in 1977 in Toronto sobered Mr. Richards up. But that never deterred him from drinking gallons of Rebel Yell Whiskey, his drink of choice.

It will be remembered that Richards, along with songwriting partner and now "Sir" Mick Jagger were arrested in 1967 on drug charges. A 24 year old Richards was remembered to have uttered to a shocked jury, "We are not old men. We are not worried about petty morals." The aging constable was apparently the arresting officer at the time.

And now, having completed years of touring in thousands of arenas all over the world, most recently the year's highest grossing "Forty Licks" Tour, Richards seems to just keep on going.

"We might as well do him in, i've been waiting for this for 33 years!" the balding constable was overheard saying. "And why does he still have hair? How can he look so fit? He must be taking some other new kind of drug! "

Richards nonchalantly did not resist arrest, instead, while puffing on the ever present cigarette with a drink in hand, said, "We are not young men. We don't give a s__t."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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