Written by King David
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Thursday, 8 February 2007

image for Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan Volunteer As Pap-Smear Speculum Models At UCLA Medical School
Speculum Models Are Needed For Second Year Interns To Practice Bedside Manners At Performing Pap Smears

Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan, in an effort to get rid of their addictions to men and alcohol, enrolled in rehabilitation therapy at a West Hollywood rehabilitation clinic today. "Tres Spoof Chicas" as they are affectionately known enrolled in the Wonderland Rehabilitation Center in West Hollywood, and, as part of their therapy, were required to sign up for community service. All three women decided to sign up as speculum models for the University of California at Los Angeles medical school.

The volunteer positions would be required to demonstrate and assist UCLA second year med school students in their bedside manners in inserting and withdrawing speculums from the woman's vaginas. Speculums are used to collect tissue samples from the inner uterus during pap smears to determine if a woman has cervical cancer. Doctors say they are very grateful for this unpopular service.

The program which has been going on since the late 80's is in desperate need of volunteers. A spokesperson for the program said that anyone may volunteer.

"We are not that selective when it comes to our volunteers," Mike Hunt volunteer director of gynecological studies at the medical school said. "Prospective volunteers need not be stars. They only need to have a star, come in and fill out an information form. We'll call them back for a follow up."

Mr. Hunt said that the women work in teams to insure volunteer comfort and safety in the program. It also cuts down on the student to teacher ratio.

"We, at the med school, consider each patient our teacher. They know themselves better than anyone. We are only here to assist the patient in getting better," he said.

This philosophy is considerably different than the top-down, hierarchical model that has been predominant in Western medicine for the past 200 years and wasn't considered just another hoaky California popular cultural ritual.

Other areas of volunteer service that were open to the women were:

Red Cross volunteer
Sex study participant at the UCLA sexual studies laboratory
Volunteer sex-education instructor and coach in the Orange County public schools
Field trip Volunteer and set designer and for the Hobart Shakespeareans
Nude model for the UCLA naked art studio
Hospital volunteer for Memorial Regional and West Hollywood Hospital in Gynecology and Obstetrics
UCLA's School of Asstronomy Gaseous Star and Black Hole Research Center
UCLA Med School Survey and Study for Strange and Abnormal Gynecological behavior
UCLA Orson Wells School for the study and advancement of UFO's (unidentified female orfices)
West LA's Volunteer Fire Department District 5
Hose demonstrator
Trojan Condom models assisting QA analysts in determining effectiveness of condoms
Nair hair removal products model
Test Model for Hover Vaginal Vacuum Cleaning Systems and
Sex surrogate "trainer" for The Riskin-Banker Sex Therapy Center in Orange County in which "highly trained professional surrogate partners work closely with licensed, certified sex therapists. This team approach enables clients to receive the necessary psychological care, as well as address the critical behavioral components, in a secure non-threatening environment."

It was said that the three Hollywood stars were interested in medicine and wanted to help the UCLA med school with their program.

"Every since I was a little girl," the indefatigable Spears said, "I used to play doctor. It was a great excuse for me to take my clothes off."

The other two women were reported to have just looked at Spears and nodded their heads in agreement.

In other news today, Sherry Hite, author of the Hite Report, will be coming out with her new sex report, Sex in the 21st century. She will continue to gain first hand knowledge by sleeping around for research about her topic.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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