Tom Cruise named the actor who would play him in his new Hollywood biography last night as Albert Knob, winner of the 2007 'World's happiest penis' competition.
"Obviously this was a very difficult position to fill but, ultimately, we whittled it down to two actors, Nick Cage and Albert 'The happiest penis in the world' Knob. On the third call back, it was obvious that Albert had the acting chops to deliver what was needed for the part." the pint sized superstar told 'The Spoof.
Hollywood heavyweight Cage was said to be disappointed at losing out to Mr Knob but admitted that it was the right decision.
"Albert is an amazing talent," he said, "And I can't really do happy or puzzled, they're just not in my repertoire. I normally just do moody, surly and confused. Unfortunately in one scene in the movie, Tom has to look puzzled, so that was pretty much me out of the running."
This is Mr Knob's first leading role in a Hollywood movie but insiders have said he is hotly tipped for an Oscar.
"Albert is a fantastic character actor," said Jew hater, Mel Gibson, "I hope to cast him in my next opus, The Jews are responsible for everything bad ever."