Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 6 February 2007

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Harry Potter? Never heard of him!

An amateur book critic has told readers of a literary magazine about a book that billionaire authoress KJ Rowling said she'd never write.

Albert Neinstein, 49, of East Fife Nil, wrote in Canny Read that Harry Potter & The Abusive Pixie, the eighteenth installment in the celebrated series of 'bespectacled boy magician' books, is finished and is "crap".

Neinstein obtained his insider information, he says, after breaking into Rowling's slum home in Glasgow's Barrowlands, to use the toilet.

He gained entry by climbing onto her coal bunker, and through a magic porthole into her study. There he quickly rifled through the writer's notes and found the draft for the latest novel, just as Rowling rolled in and caught him red-handed.

Far from being angry, the authoress explained how the story had come to be written.

She had taken a well-deserved break at a castle near Loch Tout in the Scottish Highlands, when, one evening, she stooped through a low doorway and banged her head.

Neinstein writes: "She wakes up to find an evil pixie, Flabbertatty, standing over her, grinning. Although he subsequently nurses her back to health, Flabbertatty systematically tortures and abuses her in a sexy manner.

"Through some fantastic, contrived coincidence, she meets Harry Potter, now 61 years old, and the two kill the pixie in a grisly murder and escape back to the real world. The pair get married and have two children, one a pixie who looks decidedly familiar, the other a half-jackal, half-Scotsman, born in a kilt."

Reaction to Neinstein's critique of the book has been immediate. Experts are of the opinion that it is "a literary masterpiece", but Neinstein maintains that it is "babbage":

"The characters are shallow, the plot without substance, and the dialogue meaningless and menamorforifical. It's not bad for reading on the bog, though."

KJ Rowling has said that after this book has been published, she will write no more. She is planning to become a coal merchant or a nude model.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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