In a shocking tell all body-part expose with Mike Wallace's nose, Lindsay Lohan's left and right breasts admitted yesterday to having their nipples enhanced by a controversial new surgical procedure.
The news comes as the first confirmed report within the body part community of cosmetic enhancement. Angelina Jolie's lips said, "There's been a lot of talk about this, we knew it was gonna happen, but didn't know whose breasts would make the first move."
Of the two, Lohan's left boob, Lefty, did most of the talking during the interview. On the defensive for the past few weeks, she elaborated on their rationale for the procedure, "We wanted to feel good about ourselves, I don't know why everyone's making a big deal about it. We had such a good performance in Lindsay's Herbie movie, but they digitally took us out. So this was something just for us."
Throughout the interview she revealed, in her opinion, the pressures of living on a high profile chest. "We're on so many magazine covers and photographs, our jobs have just gotten so much harder. Most of the time, it's just plain thankless." One of Lefty's long time "bosom buddies", Tara Reid's left breast, Paco, also sypathized. She was among the first celebrity glands to speak out in support of Lefty's decision. "I completely understand. With Tara you never know when you'll be exposed, with all the flimsy shirts she wears. Lindsay is no different."
Finally, Lefty asserted changing times as her driving force, "Life as a celebrity breast is radically different than what it used to be. Gone are the days when we could depend on bras. As Marilyn Monroe's right breast, my great aunt always had lace or latex surrounding her, even in her prime. But those days are just over"
The highly experimental procedure involves injecting proportionally large amounts of fluid into the papillary ducts, making the protrusions appear more firm with increased circumference. According to the attending surgeon who performed the procedure, James Rock, "Lindsay's breasts were nervous from all the public attention, but they're very happy with the results." Rock is not unaware of the controversy surrounding the procedure. "There are alot of nay-sayers, especially from previous generations, but body parts have a right to be happy. And I'm happy to make them happy."
However, not everyone agrees. The National Organization of Mammary Glands (NOMG) have commented harshly on Lefty's decision. NOMG President, Librarian Marge Chortle's breasts said, "There's absolutely no upside here. We're on this earth for lactiferous reasons, not to look pretty or have our picture taken." She blames the media for forcing these "firm nippled" perceptions onto the young breasts these days. Her organization has begun a program where young mammary glands meet for a 2 week stretch to discuss issues of identity, image, and self-confidence.
She continued by saying, "These kids today are have so many things to worry about, the last thing they need is pressure to enhance themselves just to follow glands they idolize. The breasts of every generation have been happy with the nipples God gave them, changing them unnaturally is a dangerous path to go down. What next? Duct enhancement? Lobule reconstruction? It's a slippery slope."