Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 29 January 2007

image for Dowie Lands Role In New Shrek Movie

Eric Cantona did it. Vinnie Jones did it. And now, sickeningly ugly footballer turned failed manager Ian Dowey (intentional spelling mistake) is doing it. Acting...well, kind of.

When Cantona and Jones quit football to pursue careers in the film industry, many people raised their eyebrows, including the aforementioned Dowey. You wouldn't want to be in the room when Dowey raises his eyebrows, though - it just ain't pretty!

Now, though, Dowey, who was recently axed from managerial positions at both Crystal Palace and Charlton Athletic for frightening fans, has been offered a dream ticket into showbusiness.

Speaking at the Northern Ireland National Film Awards in a peat bog somewhere, film executive Walter Dinsey said "With Ian's looks, he'll go far, although not as far as the people who are running away from him. If you've got a certain look, you've got to use it."

He then offered the chirpy Paddy a grotesque part in new movie Shrek 6, and another in Monsters Inc 8, contracts expected to be worth about £Ridicule million.

The Irishman is no stranger to the camera and, as well as having recently bought one from Argos, he has also made several scary cameo appearances on Match of the Day.

Asked about his new film career, Dowey slavered and slobbered, and covered the interviewer in large balls of spit not seen since his playing days.

Expect more of the ex-footballer this summer. Several more horror movies are set for release, and David Cronenberg is rumoured to be looking for "frighteningly repulsive" actors for The Hills Have Eyes 15.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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