Grey's Anatomy star, Isaiah Washington, announced today that he will be checking himself into rehab. But he will not be undergoing a twelve step program aimed at overcoming an addiction to drugs or alcohol. Instead, the actor will be undergoing treatment for pronounced homophobia and verbal diarrhea at the renowned Judy Garland Clinic in West Hollywood.
Our undercover team took a closer look at this program, and found it to be just what the doctor ordered.
New patients are initially stripped of their unfashionable straight-guy duds and fitted by the Garland Clinic's own "queer eye" team.
Following a crash course in style, the newly admitted patients have their mouths washed out with softly scented lavender soap and Evian water, much like an enema. We all agree that Washington's dirty mouth could use a good scrub.
Since the focus of Washington's rehabilitation will be the cessation of the use of the word, "f-ggot," he will be fitted with a V-chip which will administer a moderate shock every time the slur is uttered. "It's like an instant dose of Pepto Bismal for sufferers of chronic diarrhea of the mouth," says Garland Clinic profanity intervention specialist, Dr. Howser.
In conjunction with the slur inhibiting electronic device, Washington will be required to attend daily classes in public propriety, tolerance, anger management, and basic human decency.
Upon his release, his doctors say that he will be strongly urged not to speak in public and will be provided with a plastic foot that he can jam in his mouth when the urge to expel rancid rivers of anti-gay dysentery arises.
According to Washington's publicist, Bubba McBigot, who also represents Mel Gibson and, ironically enough, Michael Richards, Washington "loves them there queers, and don't wish nobody no harm." In response to our request for a statement from Washington himself, McBigot told us that the actor was busy crank calling Tom Cruise, and could not be disturbed.
One can only hope that after an estimated six weeks of constant exposure to Broadway musicals, music by The Pet Shop Boys, Erasure, and Clay Aiken, movies such as Spartacus, Batman and Robin, and Broke Back Mountain, and guest speakers including Lance Bass and John Travolta, Washington will emerge with a genuine respect for the gay community.
But not everyone is outraged by Washington's foul mouth. Rumor has it that President Bush plans to honor the actor with a public speaking award for his mouth's most recent revolting attack of explosive diarrhea at the Golden Globes. Internet buzz also suggests that Rush Limbaugh has invited Washington to flap his jaws on "Rush Radio" sometime in the coming weeks.
While we applaud him for seeking treatment for his verbal problems, one has to wonder if Washington is simply pulling a publicity stunt in an effort to save the ass out of which he has been talking. According to Dr. Howser, Washington is, "extremely committed to getting his verbal diarrhea under control." But many theorize that Washington is only committed to getting his acting career out of the toilet.
If the stay at the Garland Clinic proves fruitless, McBigot has hinted that Washington plans to blame alcohol for his inability to control his runny mouth. Failing that, he will go public with a concocted childhood trauma in the hopes of gaining sympathy.
Whatever his excuse may be, Washington's diarrhea of the mouth has splattered in the ears of countless people, and it is likely to be a long, long time before the stench is removed.