LONDON - Sources close to someone who once owned a copy of the Beatles' Rubber Soul album are reporting today that ex-Beatle Sir Paul McCartney has reached a divorce settlement with his estranged ex-wife, one-legged supermodel Heather Mills, worth a sum of $876 kajillion bajillion.
The settlement also gives Heather ownership of Paul's mansion in St. John's Wood, London, and his Beverly Hills property, plus access to all of his other properties - including use of his personal toilets, all his Little Richard records and "the comfy green chair in the den."
The settlement also entitles Mills McCartney to full-time parental custody of their 3-year-old daughter Beatrice, daily massages at an expensive salon, bodyguards, legal fees, a lifetime supply of prawn-flavored crisps, the knickers Paul wore while recording tracks for "All Together Now," his original Hofner violin bass and free bass lessons so she can play it if she so desires.
Heather has also demanded that McCartney acknowledge that his 1970 hit "Maybe I'm Amazed" was actually written for her - even though she was only two years old at the time and Paul was then married to the late Linda McCartney.
According to another source close to Mr. McCartney, "Paul's just glad to be rid of the narcissistic wanker. He hopes to crash at Ringo's house for a while until he can find a day job so he can make a few shilling and feed himself."
"Can't buy me love, indeed," McCartney reportedly told the source. "$876 kajillion bajillion is a lot of money. Never mind love, I can't even buy myself a bloody pint at the Jacaranda, thanks to all this rot."