Written by Gail Farrelly
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Thursday, 25 January 2007

image for SpongeBob Begs, "Don't Nuke Me"
Computer-generated portrait of the "nuked" SpongeBob

His heart skipped a beat when he read that a researcher had suggested that sponges should be sterilized for two minutes in the microwave.

The fear of being shoved into a microwave threw SpongeBob SquarePants into sheer panic and he had to be treated by a psychiatrist. When he closed his eyes to rest, all he could see was what he might look like (shown in the attached illustration) once he'd been nuked. His spongy yellow countenance gone forever. Two minutes away from disaster. "Not pretty," he told his pet snail, Gary.

SpongeBob knew that he'd be the perfect candidate for the microwave treatment, considering that experts say that sponges to be microwaved must be wet (and SpongeBob makes his home under the water) as well as totally free of metallic content (again he fits the bill). Yikes! He figured he was a sitting duck.

But then he got some advice from his starfish buddy, Patrick, who reminded him that sterilization in a microwave would take away his ability to reproduce. "And that's against the law," Patrick assured him, adding, "Sop up your rights, buddy."

SpongeBob cheered up, fired his psychiatrist, hired himself a lawyer, and is now living happily ever after. Copies of the U. S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights have prominent places in the living room of the pineapple he calls home.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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