Written by Jalapenoman
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Thursday, 25 January 2007

image for George Lucas Announces Newest Star Wars Film Actors
Darth is dead and will not be returning in the new movies.

George Lucas, creator and owner of the Star Wars universe, unveiled more detailed plans for the seventh, eighth, and ninth movies in the series. From his private ranch in California, he held a press conference today to discuss the new films and the actors hired to star in them.

"These films will take place after the death of the emperor at the end of Return of the Jedi. With the greater increase in technology, we will be better able to showcase our special effects and give out audiences something really special."

"The actors from the original trilogy will not be returning. Frankly, Harrison Ford is too expensive and Mark Hamill just looks like crap. Carrie Fisher is just not that hot anymore and I don't believe the nerds that watch our movies would be panting after her this time. I think Alec is probably dead by now. We can also put anyone in the robot and the wookie suits and no one could tell the difference. Billy Dee Williams played Lando, but I only put him in to make the NAACP people happy, and I'm to rich to give a damn about them any more. I also killed off Darth Vader, so I don't have to get James Earl Jones to do the voice now."

"This means that I can have a whole new cast and not have to worry about paying a bunch of experienced actors any money. In fact, I'm planning on doing it all in CGI (Computer generated images) anyway, and doing electronic voices also. JarJar Binks was just so popular with everyone, that we'll have a whole bunch of actors and characters just like him!"

In fact, JarJar will be the only character returning from the other movies. He'll pilot the Millenium Falcon and raise Han and Leia's children to adulthood and train them in the Jedi ways. R2D2 will be the new chancellor and C3PO will be his Secretary of Defense. Chewbacca will also be a part of the cabinet, as R2's chief speechwriter."

Lucas plans on releasing the films in 2009, 2012, and 2015.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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