Written by Gordon Stribling
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Tuesday, 23 January 2007

image for It's Pollard vs. Cooper in Classroom Conflict

Vicky Pollard, the rude, obnoxious schoolgirl created by recently-married gay comedian Matt Lucas and his comedy partner, the 'definitely not gay so stop asking' David Walliams, attacked Catherine Tate's almost identical creation Lauren Cooper yesterday during a Geography lesson.

Lyndzi Shuttleworth, a teaching assistant who witnessed the incident described how a discussion about earthquakes sparked it off. "Lauren was mouthing off about some unrelated rubbish as she often does and you could see Vicky getting more and more agitated. She just wanted to learn about tectonic plates. Those two have had issues with each other since Lauren started hogging the limelight."

Apparently, Lauren responded to the teacher's request for quiet by shouting, quite loudly, "Am I bovvered?", which was enough to send Vicky over the edge. "She just flipped and leapt over the table over towards Lauren. The teacher tried to retain order but before he could the encounter had descended into a 2-way bout of aggressive catchphrase-tennis". Both participants were stuck in a surreal loop of nonsensical teenage ramblings. "I don't think Nigel [the teacher] could do anything. He tried to break it up but he probably hadn't been taught how to deal with this kind of situation before."

Walter Sensibly, a well-behaved classmate of the two girls tried reasoning with them but was quickly shouted down. "I tried telling them that they were both fictional characters, but they didn't want to know."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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