Written by queen mudder
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Tuesday, 23 January 2007

image for Cruise the Redeemer's wife admits pool man is their sperm donor
Conceived in an act of pure altruism...or comedy?

Hollywood - (Rioters): The wife of Scientology's Anointed Redeemer Tom Cruise has admitted that their baby daughter Slurry was conceived with sperm donated in an act of totally selfless altruism by their pool man.

This followed several other equally philanthropic previous donation attempts by the couple's chauffeur, personal trainer, botox practitioner, holistic herbalist, Oprah Winfrey's Tarot reader, a White House-endorsed pest control consultant and a highly recommended colonic irrigation specialist from Des Moines who all lamentably failed to reach their designated target area to deliver the widely-predicted conception.

Speaking at their Beverley Hills villa today Katie Holmes was anxious to dispel myths that all donation attempts had been video-taped by her husband and had entailed highly secretive Scientological ablution rituals which preceded each generous act of donation: "Sure they all got hosed down first with DDT in the secure wetroom with the CCTV, what do you expect?"

Reports circulating in LA have suggested that ID of the mystery pool man is only known to one other person who has been paid handsomely to keep the Cruise family secrets.

But persistent rumors abound that Kazakhstani actor Mr Borat may have been filming one of his award-winning spoof scenes at the Cruise residence during the time of the alleged conception under the guise of an itinerant hydrotherapy practitioner investigating Hollywood stars' favorite pastimes.

Celebrity internet spread-yer-legs betting index Aintgottaprayer.com has reported a wall of money wagered on Borat taking the nomination tonight for an Academy Award for Best Comic Genius.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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