Manchester - (Ass Mess): Citing a streaming nose and inexplicable fit of the heeb-jeebies Kylie Minogue pulled out of the Manchester Evening News Arena concert last night after belting out Better the Devil You Know and then realising her septum had collapsed down the back of her throat in an eerie feeling similar to accidentally swallowing a condom sported by Russell Crowe.
The star's entourage called emergency medical back-up while the singer spluttered and coughed up enough dodgy-looking white stuff that foamed like a Polonium 210 sample in an ex-KGB spook's sputum exhibit.
Fans waited patiently in the auditorium as a posse of heavies was despatched to track down and nail the supplier of Ms Minogue's holistic healing crystals.
In the end the gig was cancelled and the singer admitted to a local A&E for exploratory tests on her orifice. No details are available yet about what was found down that fathomless depth.