Honolulu, Hawaii - At 6:20 yesterday morning a 26 year old hiker, Ms. Ono Sushi of Pearl City, was walking up along the crater and noticed the heavy stench of tuna fish. As she approached the rim of the crater a horrifying sight met her eyes. The imprint of a huge vagina could clearly be seen pushed into the wet volcanic dirt.
"Who would desecrate our island like that?!" Ms. Sushi said, "Don't they know this is our orifice to the world? So shameful!"
The Honolulu branch of the F.B.I. has opened an investigation on the defacing of a national monument, Diamond Head Crater. It seems it may NOT take long to crack the case. Their main suspect, the recently nominated "style-free and fashion-deprived" Diva and Pop singer, Britney Spears.
Two people have come forward to help with the probe. Beverly Hills doctor and gynecologist to the stars, Dr. Seymore Hymen. While vacationing in Waikiki, Hymen tuned into the local television news and Identified the vaginal imprint as belonging to Britney Spears. "Miss Spears has been a patient of mine since she was a small hole."
The second witness is identified as Ron "Shooter" Gelliespie, a Paparazzi photographer, who had this to say. "I'd know that twat anywhere." Ron blurted out, "I have been shooting it all week long". (Ron has been on assignment, following Britney who is in town filming her new Hawaiian music video " Mo' of a Ho than Don".) Ron added, "When you witness those pink folds getting in and out of taxi cabs and hair-styling high-chairs you don't forget that easy."
Britney of late has been caught by videographers from New York to Paris, flashing what Miss Spears likes to call her little friend, "Aussie", because it resembles the land down under. When Investigators questioned her yesterday she flatly denied any involvement in the matter...then giggled.
Police are hoping for a "hole-in-one" conviction in this case. Pubic hair plucked from the scene of the crime will help with DNA testing through the FBI database and identify the person or persons responsible for this heinous crime, which carries a maximum sentence of 1 year in the county lock up and $1000.00 fine/plus 100 hours community service replenishing tampax dispensers in park restrooms.