Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 9 January 2007

image for Ruth Kelly Is New Doctor Who Assistant

The BBC has revealed that Ruth Kelly, and not Freema Agyeman, is to be Doctor Who's new assistant.

She will make her debut in the show in an episode featuring the Doctor's longstanding enemies, The Daleks, in February. Although she has never appeared as an actress before, she said that she wouldn't let this get in her way, and told reporters: "It can't be that hard, can it?"

The news comes at a time when the ex-Education minister is under fire in the media over the decision to send her delinquent son to a private school. Sources close to her have hinted that: "she needs the extra cash to put her kid through this expensive school".

Kelly was born in Limavady, Northern Ireland in 1968 and, although not yet ugly, her face has all the characteristics of being able to turn her into a wizened old crone before she turns 50.
She started out on her career writing for girls' magazine Jackie, and then moved to The Guardian, before doing a 6-month stint as a high-class hooker in Bolton, where she later became an MP.

She has courted controversy all through her ministerial career - she once famously objected to, and prevented, a £100million skyscraper development - and seems unable to reverse this trend.
Her grandfather, Philip Murphy, was an IRA officer in 1922, and most people probably wish she was, so that we could have the SAS "take her somewhere quiet".

Reaction to her appointment has been swift. Rose Tyler, who, until recently, played Billie Piper, was furious, and Miss Agyeman said: "I'm gutted. To be upstaged by such a squat little slapper is a massive disappointment. I think I'll give up acting and go into politics".

Co-star David Tennant said: "I'm looking forward to working with Ruth. At least, that's what my agent and BBC bosses have told me to say, if I want to keep my job".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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