Written by Kilroy
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Topics: TV, Lost

Wednesday, 3 January 2007

image for Lost Fans Await More Confusion
This Season Is Sure to Be a Killer

Fans anxiously awaiting the return of Lost next month can expect a lot more revelations and plot twists. Highly placed spies with camera phones reveal that everything you thought you knew about the plot is wrong! "Conventional wisdom is going to drop out from under you like a trap door, snapping your previously held convictions like a chicken's neck," said one spy who refused to be identified.

But don't expect the writers to leave you there hanging, just twisting in the wind. After three seasons of virtually mocking the audience, they're finally going to advance the plot and take it to the next level. "Prepare for a story progression unlike anything ever seen in television," said director J.J. Abrams.

11) It is revealed that Hurley is really one of the Others in a fat suit and made up to look ugly in order to endear the rest of the survivors to him for his quick wit and humor. However, his continued obsession over the numbers still causes him to become an annoying pain-in-the-ass, while a slow leak in his suit is mistaken for flatulence, causing him to be even more ostracized.

10) Desmond sinks deep into delusion, suffers a Jesus complex and drowns while trying to walk across the ocean to freedom. However, questions about Desmond's true nature erupt when he attends his own funeral.

9) Ben/Henry recovers from Jack's sabotaged operation only to reveal he was really expecting a sex change operation and has never felt comfortable as a male. He agrees to get Jack off the Island only if he performs the surgery. Jack agrees, but under the influence of narcotics, forgets what he was doing and makes another bad cut. He briefly covers up his mistake with wry cynicism and dry wit, but Ben/Henry eventually discovers his disfiguration and goes mad, embarking on a crime spree against the rest of the castaways. With nothing of value to steal, his career in crime is as pathetically short as he is.

8) Kate and Sawyer escape the second island by making ropes from Kate's hair and skiing to safety on the backs of sea turtles.

7) Mr. Eko returns as the rest of the castaways wake up to him showering under a waterfall, realizing it was all only a dream. Kate discovers him first, much to the chagrin of Sawyer. Sawyer sets out to track down and bring Ben/Henry to justice in hopes of winning Kate back as well as get away from all the animal noises.

6) Sawyer, the big loser, comes upon a tryst between Sun and Sayid deep in the jungle and realizes that Sayid is Sun's baby's father. In exchange for his silence, Sayid agrees not to kill his punk ass as well help him track down Ben/Henry. In exchange for Sayid not killing him, Sawyer agrees to show the couple the "reverse electric seahorse" position. During their search, the Black Smoke leads the pair to a stash of painkillers Jack has been hiding in the jungle.

5) Jack finally admits that he is addicted to painkillers after he arrogantly confronts Eko and expresses his disbelief that Eko REALLY exists; Eko breaks Jack's leg with his "Jesus Stick" to prove him wrong; it heals badly causing him to walk with a painful limp so Sawyer holds Jack's painkillers for ransom and makes Jack sing, "I'm a little Teapot" for his amusement.

4) Michael awakens on the beach soaked to the skin one morning and believes he's been living the same day over and over. He vows to find out how he became such a whinny little bitch. Michael eventually discovers that he really isn't reliving the same day and that a mysterious bump on the head has given him amnesia. He then comes to the false conclusion that he is some kind of highly trained super-assassin and sets out to take vengeance on the Others. He is killed by Jin after a short fistfight at the request of Walt (who whacked him in the head and pushed him overboard in the first place).

3) Two new characters are discovered dead in the jungle assumed to be the latest victims of the Black Smoke. Upon further investigation by, it is determined that they were lured into the jungle and killed by Rose for being so damned prissy and annoying.

2) Charlie finally kicks the habit after a difficult time passing a heroin filled Virgin Mary. On the positive side, he puts his ordeal to music and composes a catchy heavy metal tune.

1) ...and finally, the cliffhanger: John finds another Hatch deep in the jungle after finally getting sick of being everybody's patsy. He makes a deal with the Black Smoke and becomes a pagan high priest for the Island. He plots to sacrifice everyone to the Polar Bear god except Kate whom he will keep for procreation purposes only. But Walt threatens his plans after returning to the Island, and venturing deep into the Island's interior by river, using the boat he and Michael obtained from the Others. The season ending cliff hanger shows Walt standing over John with a machete as John cowers on the floor whispering, "The horror, the horror".... The end is uncertain as the door to the Hatch swings open and the Black Smoke slitters in..."You!" Walt screams as the scene fades to black.

Tune in next October to see how all that crap works out.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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