The peaceful quiet and serenity of South Beach, Florida was shattered this morning when a large crowd gathered around what they believed to be a beached whale. Squawking and high pitched squealing noises could be heard all the way down at 183rd St and Collins Ave. Rescuers repeatedly ran from the water to the suffering beast and threw buckets of water over its sand covered body.
A group of marine science students tried to force feed plankton to the whale in a desperate attempt to help it regain its strength. It was at this moment that enough sand had been washed away to reveal a very intoxicated Rosie O'Donald.
A Marine Patrol officer arrived and asked her what all of those black and blue marks all over her body were. She responded , "That is where people have been handling me with 10 foot poles".
By this time block and tackle equipment had arrived and was used to lift her up and set her in the back of a large flat bed tractor trailer rig.
Just as they were finishing up this dangerous operation a group of breathless students ran up to the officer to report that they had just stumbled into Sally Struthers very close to where Rosie had been found. They loaded her on the truck also. Unfortunately when they reached the causeway bridge it was determined that the entire rig would be well over the weight capacity for the bridge.
At this time they were both loaded onto barges and sent 200 miles north to Cape Canaveral. I regret the fact that they never made it to their destination alive.
It was determined that there was no environmentally safe way to dispose of such a large bio-mass on earth so solid fuel shuttle rocket boosters were attached to their carcasses and they were safely inserted into orbit during a spectacular double night launch from the Cape.