Wayne Hemmingway, (no, not that one) a life long fan of popular singing twins The Proclaimers has given up on his pledge to walk 500 miles for his ex-wife after only one mile, and two blisters that are absolute agony.
The overweight love rat met his former wife, Madeline in a forum of Proclaimers fans, and soon it was love at first sight, at least for Madeline, who found his rotund appearance to be a welcome change after serially dating men she met at her gym.
However, Wayne had other ideas, and was soon cheating on her, with fans of Asia, Rainbow and The Wurzels.
'Mad for it, they were' said Wayne, his feet in an ice bucket. 'But it always ends up the same way, I say to Madeline that it won't happen again, and then it does. I can't help, it I really can't, but I miss her, I really do, and I thought that walking 500 Miles, and then 500 Miles more, just to be the man who would walk 1,000 miles to be the man to fall down at her door would be the one thing I could do'.
Sadly, it wasn't 'I suppose the first clue that she had moved on was the fact that we lived 1,000 miles apart, and the second clue was that she is now seeing Gary, from her local gym. He is twenty years younger than her, and spends hours at the gym'.
Madeline said 'Wayne, when you go, don't bother to send me a Letter from America'