Written by SeanFallon
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Saturday, 11 November 2017

image for The Last Jedi Spoiler, Rey's Identity Leaked!

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away.

The back story starts on the planet, Tattooine, when 13 year old Luke Skywalker snuck out of his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru's dwelling, in which he lived. He met up with his friend Biggs, to plan a night downtown, at Mos Eisley Spaceport, hoping to meet some girls....

Luke and Biggs entered the Cantina. The band was playing a familiar song, and romance was in the air. Luke looked at all the young ladies, until one of the thirteen year olds particularly caught his eye. His jaw dropped as he stared at her, totally enraptured by her beauty. She noticed Luke looking; they made eye contact, and she smiled at him.

Luke started shaking with nervousness, but Biggs convinced him to go forward and approach her.

Luke awkwardly walked towards her, as she maintained her smile. When he got up to her, he tried the best he could to introduce himself, "Hey, babe, my name is Luke. Your father must be a thief, because he took all the stars from this system, and put them in your eyes."

The girl's smile got even bigger as she responded, "I haven't seen my father or my mother, since I was a little girl, but I am glad to meet you. I'm Jynn Erso."

Luke, not knowing how to reply, decided to just grab her and start kissing her. She started kissing him back.

Biggs was shocked at this. Biggs approached another girl and said, "Hey, baby, I'd like to rearrange the alphabet so I could put U and I together." She rolled her eyes and slapped him. Biggs, upset, looked back towards Luke and Jynn, but they were nowhere to be found.

Biggs left the Cantina. He saw his friend Wedge out there, taking care of Wedge's father's droids, C-3PO and R2D2. Biggs asked Wedge, "Have you seen Luke?"

Wedge said, "Yes, he left with some girl."

R2D2 beeped.

C-3PO rebuked him, "R2, how dare you suggest something like that! They are only 13! Get your mind out of the gutter!"

R2D2 beeped again with more excitement.

C-3PO appeared flabbergasted, as he once again rebuked R2, "You are filthy and disgusting, R2! You should be ashamed of yourself!" C-3PO proceeded to kick R2D2, but ended up accidentally hurting his own foot in the process, and hopping around in pain.

R2D2 beeped again.

C-3PO, in pain, retorted, "Your mother, R2! Your absolute mother!"

Suddenly, Luke appeared from behind a shack, with a huge smile on his face. Biggs and Wedge looked at him knowing that the smile could only mean one thing.... R2D2 was right.

Luke slapped high-fives with Biggs and Wedge, to which C-3PO shook his head in disgust and proclaimed, "Sometimes I just don't understand human behavior."

Luke's excitement on the high-fives was so extreme that he made all five of his fingers red. Three of Bigg's fingers turned red, and two of Wedge's. From that moment on, they gave each other the nicknames, "Red 5," "Red 3" and "Red 2," respectively, in memory of Luke's first encounter of that kind.

Luke returned to Owen and Beru's place, without them ever noticing that he was gone.

Meanwhile, further in the Tattooine desert, Obi-Wan Kenobi felt a strange disturbance in the force, as if the first grandchild of Anakin Skywalker has just been conceived.

Jynn Erso lived in an abandoned hut, with her droid ABC-123. She realized right away that she was expecting a baby. She never saw Luke again, and had no idea how to get in touch with him. Nine months later, ABC-123 gave her some anesthesia, knocking her out completely, and then performed on her what years later on planet Earth in the Milky Way system would be known as a "Caesarian." A baby boy was born, but ABC-123 fled with the baby, in the night, to a far away system, before Jynn ever woke up from the anesthesia.

Upon waking up, Jynn realized that the baby was gone, just like her parents. She cried and cried, but life moves on, until she would die, but as a hero who helped transmit the plans that would reveal the weakness in the Death Star.

Luke had no idea about Jynn's death, or about the baby, and even Obi-Wan began to feel as if his feelings about that baby existing were wrong. Luke would not return to Mos Eisley Spaceport, again, until he was with Obi-Wan Kenobi. Owen and Beru were murdered and the droids that once belonged to Wedge's father, Captain Antilles, were now the property of Luke Skywalker.

Obi-Wan would soon surrender his life to Darth Vader, but would still be able to use the force to communicate with Luke.

Luke met back up with Biggs, in a plot to destroy the Death Star. He reminisced with Biggs and Wedge, during the flight, calling each other by the nicknames they got, the night Luke and Jynn conceived their baby. While to the other fighters, like Porkins, the red names sounded innocent, there was a double meaning to them, when Luke, Biggs, and Wedge would use them. Biggs, unfortunately, would not survive this attack on the Death Star.

Luke would go to the Dagobah System to be trained in the force by Yoda. He would leave prematurely, though, rushing to face Darth Vader, while incomplete was his training, and not ready for the burden was he. Obi-Wan, using the force to communicate with Yoda, declared, "That boy was our last hope."

Yoda replied, "No, there is another." Obi-Wan mistakenly believed that the other was referring to Luke's twin sister, Leia, but Yoda, stronger in the force, actually was referring to Luke's son, who ABC-123 had named Duke.

Time would pass. Wedge would lose the nickname, "Red 2" as he became promoted to Red Leader. Yoda would die. Darth Vader would die. Emperor Palpatine would die, yadda yadda yadda.

Han Solo would marry Princess Leia, and they would conceive a boy, a real whiney little snot, who would be named Kylo Ren. When Kylo Ren was a baby, ABC-123 would show up at his crib, and tell him stories about his cousin, Duke.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, Chewie said "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrr."

When Kylo Ren was 2 years old, he told his mother about ABC-123, and that droid's story about his cousin. Leia immediately sensed that this was in fact true. She asked Luke whether this was possible. Luke was outraged over the thought that Jynn or the kid might be seeking money from him. He couldn't care less about using Jynn, breaking her heart, or the potential reality that he left her to raise a kid on her own, but if there were to be any consequences towards him, personally, he considered that unacceptable. Leia was disappointed to realize what a total sleazeball her twin brother is.

The next day, ABC-123 and Duke approached Luke, Duke now at the age of 17. As Luke had sensed his relationship with Darth Vader, Luke could also sense that Duke was in fact his son.

Duke confessed, "Dad, I made a girl pregnant." Luke asked to meet the mother of his grandchild. When the 16 year old mother, named Padyou appeared with child, Luke drew his light saber, making Padyou back up, nervously.

Luke proclaimed, "My son is not going to support you and your kid for the rest of his life! You are having an abortion!" Padyou screamed and ran. Luke tried to use the force to stop her motion, but 2 year old Kylo Ren arrived and interfered.

Padyou, Kylo Ren, and ABC-123 all escaped on an X-wing, together. Luke and Duke vowed to track them down, and kill both mother and child, disintegrate the droid, and then bring Kylo Ren back to Han and Leia, letting them change his diaper.

Luke would steal Han's ship, the Millennium Falcon, with Duke as the co-pilot. After about 8 months, they would finally track down the X-Wing that Padyou was piloting, and bring Padyou, Kylo Ren, and ABC-123 aboard the Millennium Falcon.

They tied Padyou to the game table, as Luke prepared for the late-term abortion. Just as Luke was about to abort his own grandchild, the baby started glowing in Padyou's womb, radiating power that knocked Luke's light saber out of his hand and into deep space. Kylo Ren was mesmerized by this. Padyou would pass away as the new baby girl would be born. Duke, upon seeing the child, instantly had a heart attack and died. Luke looked towards Kylo Ren and proclaimed, "See that baby! She's evil! She's your enemy! We need to kill her!"

ABC-123 grabbed the baby and escaped back to the X-wing, making a jump to light speed, while Luke and Kylo Ren could not move, as they were trapped by the baby's control of the force.

Luke brought Kylo Ren back to Han Solo and Princess Leia, who were happy to see their son again, even though their son now seemed to be an angrier and whinier child, after Luke had corrupted him.

Luke went into hiding, in exile, mourning the death of his son, and furious that a baby, a girl for that matter (he is a sexist pig) had a greater control of the force than him. He gave up on the matter, hoping that Kylo Ren would be the one to carry on and destroy that baby girl.

Meanwhile, Chewie said, "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrr," somewhere else, again.

ABC-123 drove the X-wing to the Milky Way system, to a place that was then considered a planet, named Pluto. As she grew up, that baby girl would progress in the ways of the force, faster than any Padawan in galaxy history! Years would pass and she would become a teenager, growing stronger in the force, and going by the name Rey.

She would eventually go to seek out Luke, having no idea of Luke's plan against her life. Soon, she would find him in exile. Without speaking a word, Luke would turn around and give her a dirty look that was so extreme that it could only be compared to the way that Jerry Seinfeld looks at Newman.

What happens next? Come see The Last Jedi, in theaters, December 15!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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