New York -- Barbara Walters' worst nightmare back when Starr Jones was a regular panelist tragically came true recently. On a hot set, Rosie O'Donnell, Miss Jones' replacement, turned on her three co-hosts and devoured every last bit of meager flesh the slender women had on their bones. Stripped them clean, O'Donnell did, in such a way that would turn a T. Rex green with envy.
It seemed O'Donnell had inadvertently -- and unwisely -- skipped her quarterly hour feeding during a commercial break, and when the camera started rolling again, violent nature took its course.
Surprisingly, not one person present when the frenzy took off attempted to get between O'Donnell's gnawing teeth and her three screeching colleagues. Instead, shocked stage hands, terrified audience members and flat-footed security personnel fled, turning their backs to the gruesome fate that befell Miss Walters, Joy Behar and Elizabeth Hasselback.
The Swat Team that later arrived -- much too late --did manage to take O'Donnell into custody, by ensnaring the ravenous woman in a net bated with a baby rhinoceros -- a cuddly, weighty toddler confiscated from the nearest zoo. (The animal didn't survive.)
"People need to understand," later explained Dr. Gyna Cologi, O'Donnell's personal physician, at a hastily called news conference,"Rosie's voracious appetite stems from her abnormally large-sized head. All that bone, blood and brain matter needs constant energy. Fuel she can only obtain from animal protein." Additionally O'Donnell's doctor, stifling tears, pleaded, "She was woozy and disoriented from famine. She can hardly be blamed for succumbing to what comes natural."
Her psychiatrist, Dr. Ed Acity, concurred. "Rosie's a woman of thought. A profound and relevant pundit, always under the gun to enhance if not outright produce the latest, hip topic; call attention to instances of celebrity homo-phobia; toss out the next "ching-chong" zinger. So, in a pinch, she felt compelled to gorge on the gray-haired wisdom of Barbara Walters, ingest the frank intelligence of Joy Behar, and splurge on the vibrant spunkiness of Elizabeth Hasselback."
Dr. Acity closed by adding, "If you were in her position, wouldn't you have done the same thing?"
Newt Urd contributed to this story.