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Wednesday, 11 October 2017

image for Hey girls, here's 20 things to tell Harvey Weinstein to get out of his clutches -

1) Harvey, my boyfriend is a bodyguard for Vladimir Putin. On weekends, he bounces at biker bars.

2) Harvey, my boyfriend only plays chess with serial killers. The loser always gets hacked to pieces with a machete'.

3) Harvey, I have a headache. I think it's my AIDS or maybe it's that Ebola thing. I should be okay in an hour or two, though.

4) Harvey, my dad and Chuck Norris run around together. As in running around, catching thugs, and beating the living shit out of them.

5) Harvey, do you know that draining the swamp thing Donald Trump's always talking about? Well, it's my vagina, Harvey, but there's more, much more - I have sort of a funky one. It has a seven-inch penis attached to it, too.

6) Harvey, the last guy I had sex with made me give him a blowjob. It's my turn to get a blowjob so you can suck on my dick. You have to take the good with the bad, Harvey, old boy! My dick is fifteen inches long, erect, but I also have a very tight snatch!

7) Harvey, I have fake breasts but the implants are made of uranium and plutonium. Do you really want to start living in a world of radioactive half-lives?

8) Harvey, I friends in high places and low places. I have a direct line to the highest angels in heaven and the lowest demons in hell. They own me. That's why I have all these cryptic tattoos that look like they're right off a pyramid or a flying saucer.

9) Harvey, the last six guys I've had sex with have all come up mysteriously dead of unnatural causes. The Death Angel might pass you by, though. Let's do it!

10) Harvey, do you know that crazy lady that danced with John Travolta in Pulp Fiction? That drug addled monster who had to have an needle plunged into her heart to bring her out of an overdose? Remember? It's one of your films, Harvey, old boy. Well she's me. I'm blonde now and I'm packing a TEC-9.

11) Harvey, I have an hour to kill before my other personality kicks in. She's a vampire. I'm as paranoid schizophrenic as Ian Hunter.

12) Harvey, the last eight guys I've had sex with were missing all the plasma in their bloodstream a week after we did all the nasties. Then a few weeks later all their teeth and hair fell out. I think it's just coincidence, though. Hey, Harvey, I'm a willing little mermaid if you are.

13) Harvey, hotel rooms are so bland and banal. Let's screw on top of the main elevator. It'll be a blast and sexy as hell screwing while it goes up and down. It's quite a squeeze at the top floor, though, only leaving thirteen inches of wiggle room. You're pretty fat, Harvey, do you think you'll fit?

14) Harvey, I might be small but I was in the Marine Corps in Afghanistan. I reenlisted in the Navy after my six tours of duty - in the United States Navy SEALs. Last month, I just was placed in the elite parachute team the Leap Frogs. Special Ops. When we smoke a couple Havana cigars after we do it, I'll let you in on a few of my war stories.

15) Harvey, see these long fingernails? I can't help scratching a lover's back during missionary, and that's all I do, Harvey, missionary. Sometimes I get really, really excited. I'll try not to rip your lungs out, though.

16) Harvey, my inbred brothers would like to meet you. Ike and Mike. Their favorite hobbies are throwing knives, shooting guns, and baking scrapple. We'll go visit them in the morning.

17) Harvey, my grandmother was that crazy witch that hangs around the Hollywood sign. That ghost up there that still haunts the place. She was a beauty and had talent but could never quite make the cut so she committed suicide. She still wanders around that sign a lot of nights and she's hideous looking and howls like a devil dog. Sometimes she visits me in the dark to see if I'm okay. Hey, if she shows up tonight, I'll introduce her to you!

18) Harvey, let's have a little nightcap of absinthe. It's a refreshing drink that drills little holes in your brain. The green bubbly has microscopic worms swimming around in it. It's good to wash down blood pudding. I'm draining the blood out of a pig in our hotel room's bathtub even as we sit here and enjoy our foreplay.

19) Harvey, let's have a few of my friends over. Max, Bruno, Killer, Deuce, Xavier, Mark, Tito, Alfredo, Salvatore and Zeno. I like having sex with eight or nine guys at once. Like all the frisky girls say these days, the more the merrier.

20) Harvey, do you see these eyes? These dreamy blue eyes? They're actually little satellites to that space station out there beyond Uranus.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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