Written by Dante Liberatore
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Tuesday, 10 October 2017

image for Michelin Man's Comment Draws The Ire Of Fellow Corporate Mascots

The Michelin Man has always been synonymous with tires. He's also been mutual for being dramatically over-weight in a culture that worships 'the body beautiful'.

But on Tuesday, the Michelin Man, during a press conference to announce Michelin's new Defender XL All-Season tire, revealed a much trimmer physique that stunned all in attendance.

"Look, everybody, it's a whole new me!" he gloated while showing off his new curves like a supermodel. "And I lost the 30 pounds on my very own, without the worthless help of Weight Watchers, Nutri-System or Slimfast - so right now it's all about me, me, me!"

But later on that evening, while giving a speech at a gala to honor Charlie the Tuna, and perhaps after too many cocktails, the Michelin Man got into a bit of hot water when he went on to say, "And let's face it, ladies and gentlemen, my gorgeous new figure ultimately renders all other corporate mascots in America as over-the-hill douchebags."

Sheila Fineberg, the Communications Director for Michelin Tires, quickly played down the comment.

"The Michelin Man obviously had a bit too much to drink this evening" she said at a hastily arranged press conference. "But I assure you, the unfortunate comment does not reflect what the Michelin Man truly feels in his heart."

Others, however, were not so quick to dismiss the Michelin Man's rude comment.

"Douchebags?" the green M&M asked while on-set filming a new TV commercial. "That's quite a statement coming from an old heap of fat tires destined for the landfill.

"And if the Michelin Man wants to shoot off his mouth," the blue M&M added, "..he should talk about his convictions for domestic violence, refusing to pay child support and drug possession."

"And speaking of drugs," the yellow M&M claimed. "..the Michelin Man is a known cokehead throughout the entire corporate mascot community, so he probably lost his weight by doing enough cocaine to resurrect the dead."

When asked to comment on the allegations made by the M&Ms, the Michelin Man, at his home in Palo Alto, CA downing shots of whiskey like he was going to the chair, said "The M&Ms are a bunch of filthy liars, and their full of bull**** too because they do melt in your hands."

Bob's Big Boy also took offense to the Michelin Man's remark.

"First off," the restaurant chain mascot said while speedily delivering hamburgers to tables, "the Michelin Man lost 30 pounds? Okay, so now he's just a baby elephant. And furthermore," Mr. Boy added. "Back in 2009 when I was a 8 year-old camper at ?Camp Towanga, the Michelin Man, my camp counselor at the time, sexually assaulted me on a regular basis."

"Bob's Big Boy is a known juvenile delinquent to the cops," the Michelin Man responded while repeatedly rubbing his nose. "And the chubby little bastard has made the same ridiculous, as well as unproven allegations against and the Green Giant, Mr. Peanut and the Duracell Bunny."

The Pillsbury Doe Boy also threw his chef hat into the ring.

"The Michelin Man's cowardly statement about corporate mascots is an unfortunate reflection of his own sad little life," the Doe Boy said while being repeatedly tickled in his belly button. "But more importantly, I believe the Michelin Man is French, so that automatically makes him an ***hole."

"The Pillsbury Doe Boy should be rolled into a mini-pizza," the now visibly drunk and high Michelin Man contended. "And I wish someone would finally throw that pudgy little jackoff into an oven..

And what other corporate mascot is going to put their two-cents in next over what I said?", the Michelin Man added. "Mrs. Butterworth? I bet she does because you know how those people are."

"It's amazing that in this day and age we still have folks who refer to the African-American community as "those people", Mrs. Butterworth said in response to the racism while being squeezed over a stack of flapjacks. "And in my heart, I want to call the Michelin Man a 'cracker', but I will remain silent to further the peace between all the ethnicities of our nation."

When again reached for comment regarding the Michelin Man's latest insult, Sheila Fineberg stated, "The Michelin Man's recent comment about black people in America does not in any way reflect the opinions of Michelin Tires, and we are currently reevaluating the Michelin Man's association with our firm."

An hour later after Miss Fineberg's statement, the Michelin Man was abruptly fired by Michelin Tires for his "racially insensitive" comments.

"No problem," the Michelin Man responded to the news while going to bed at 4pm. "I hear MetLife is going to dump Snoopy, so I'll get a job with them."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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