Written by Dante Liberatore
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Friday, 29 September 2017

image for A Musician Reaps Havoc at 30,000 Feet

Saxophonist Kenny G performed an impromptu concert for charity in the First Class section of a Tampa-to-Los Angeles Delta Airlines flight last week, prompting passengers on-board to wonder 'where was a midair collision when you wanted one?' 

"We knew we were in real trouble when Kenny G stood up and began playing "Songbird" and we suddenly ran out of vomit bags," said flight attendant Bruce Collins while on the phone with SERVEPRO. "And perhaps for the first time ever in aviation history, First Class passengers were crawling over each other to get into the coach section of the plane." 

Moments later, when Kenny G broke into "Forever In Love", countless passengers made phone calls to say 'a final goodbye' to loved ones. And when he segued into "Sentimental", a group of nuns from the Dominican Sisters of Perpetual Adoration collectively prayed for a quicker reunion with God.

Yet regardless of the in-flight havoc, there were positive aspects to Kenny G turning the Delta Airlines flight into a Irritable Bowl Syndrome Convention in the sky. 

For example, the airplane took in $1982 dollars when it sold out all its liquor, earned another $4233 dollars in 'seat change' fees (with the seats furthest away from Kenny G being the most expensive) and racked up another $800 dollars in 'extra pillow' fees for passengers to bury their heads in.

Another benefit from the cabin-wide nausea surfaced when a group of seasoned Islamic terrorists on-board became violently ill when Mr. G performed "Silhouette", rendering them unable carry out their mission of crashing the airplane into Gary Sinise's house.

Louie DeFina, an earplug salesman from Trenton, New Jersey also profited from the inflight turmoil.

"I knew I'd sellout my 50 earplug samples as soon as Kenny G broke into a medley of his lesser-known hits," he said while organizing a large wad of cash. "And when my new customers complained about paying $300 hundred dollar for earplugs, we're talking about Kenny G here so I capitalized on what the market would bear."

Captain Peter Miller, the pilot of the cursed Delta flight, was amazed by the Kenny G incident on several fronts.

"First off," he said after taking a swig of Pepto-Bismol, "..when Kenny G started playing, most passengers would have settled for Barry Manilow, Michael Bolton and David Cassidy combined. And moreover," Captain Miller added, "..while Kenny G was trying to raise $2 thousand dollars for charity via his music, most passengers had agreed to raise $200 thousand dollars if he would simply stop singing."

Upon landing, all the passengers on the Delta flight received immediate medical attention for 'extreme queasiness', Mr. G was arrested by the local Arbiter of Taste and his saxophone was melted down into a new brass toilet for the airplane. 

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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