Written by Dante Liberatore
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Thursday, 28 September 2017

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Caitlyn Pondering Her True Self

Television personality Caitlyn Jenner announced yesterday that she is radically broadening her sexual orientation to include a host of other erotic preferences.

"I simply had to do it," she said while browsing the 'personal lube' department of Big Al's Orifice Depot, "..to address the other sexual identities I've been hiding ever since I was a child."

And one of Caitlyn's newly realized sexualities is pansexualism, or having sex with partners who shift their identities between a man and woman. 

"The sexuality can be confusing," Miss Jenner admitted while price-checking condoms. "..because if a male pansexual has sex with a woman who identifies herself as a man, he's living the homosexual lifestyle, and if a female pansexual has sex with a woman who identifies herself as a man, she's all of a sudden a heterosexual. But hey, sweetie, who in the heck said life was easy anyway?"

Caitlyn has discovered she is a polysexual as well, or someone who is intimate with 3 or more partners at once.

"It's a sexuality for the 'surf and turf' crowd who wants chicken parmigian as well. And to live the lifestyle," she added while inspected a solar-powered vibrator, "..one has to purchase a California King Size Mattress."  

Autosexuality, or preferring self-sexual gratification over having sex with others, has also found a path to Miss Jenner's bedroom.

"First off, it has nothing to do with 'getting it on' with your car in the garage," Miss Jenner joked while trying on a babydoll nightgown. "And the pros of the orientation are you'll never get pregnant, 'getting lucky' at a bar is a given and there will never be a breakup." 

Lastly, Caitlyn has realized the realm of pomosexuality, or wearing no sexual label whatsoever, adopting an 'anything goes with anyone' approach when seeking a dose of that fine lamore. 

"It's a sexuality that would give a Barry White album a serious run for its money," she said while loading an 'Ultimate Bondage Bed Restraint System' into her shopping cart. "And I know that if a pomosexual ever stepped on the Kinsey Scale, they'd probably break it."

"So when you add it all up," Miss Jenner concluded while leaving Big Al's Orifice Depot with enough sexual paraphernalia to keep Hugh Hefner, Rihanna and Charlie Sheen happy for a year, "..it's all about being able to switch who you are on your journey towards liquidity, or in a sense, being able to tell people you're 'trans-mission-fluid'..

But more importantly," Miss Jenner added. "..my sexuality keeps growing everyday, and soon I'll be a metrosexual transitioning to homoflexibility, with daily breaks to be androgynous on a bicurious level, all while living the life of a part-time drag queen, thereby making me, at my sexual core, and in a third-gender capacity, well on my way to becoming America's first out and proud quadrosexual."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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