Spoof satirist King David suffered great pains today after reporting that he had a bad case of acid-pen reflex. The writer was reported to have written six scathing articles over the weekend including one about a Navy submarine being mounted by a sperm whale.
Acid-pen reflex occurs after there is acid build-up on a topic and an inappropriate relaxation of the barrier occurs, in this case, the cerebral sphincter.
Acid-Pen reflex (APR) is very common among satirists. Moliere and Voltaire were both reported to have suffered from this malady as well as Jonathan Swift and Mark Twain.
"Really, there is no cure," say doctors at Duke Medical Center. "We could perform a prefrontal lobotomy, but that would be overkill and certainly not in the Christmas spirit."
Blow and Ferry Gradeonme, hosts of The People's Pharmacy, another communist, liberal phenomenon in the Triangle Area recommended the use of chewing gum and coffee. Chewing gum is a nerve stimulant. Watch the sides of your head as you chew gum. Your temples really get a workout. And that helps to stimulate and strengthen the muscles inside your head as they do their job, including the cerebral sphincter. It's hard for muscles to relax under those circumstances. Coffee is also a nerve stimulant.
You can also feel good for supporting manufacturers of chewing gum who import this substance from Central America and provide jobs for men with big machetes who chop up the Chicklet trees.
The worst thing you want to do is relax, they said.
In other news today, Mother Nature turned 4.5 billion years old.