Written by Jaggedone
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Monday, 14 August 2017

image for UK music festivals ban pineapples!
Without his pineapple this spaced-out vegan don't look too happy!

There are many things that are allowed at music festivals in the UK and many that are not, but the latest thing to be banned has sent vegans and fruit lovers into furious rants!

Yes readers of this fab spoof, they have banned PINEAPPLES! Now Jaggedone sent his star entertainment CIA (Cockroach Infiltration Army), Wellington Boot-Hill, down to the Reading and Leeds festivals to find out why the hell PINEAPPLES are being banned and here is what our six-legged, mud ridden reporter found after interviewing the organiser:

"Sir, why are you banning pineapples and not drugs, speed, acid, junk food, people having sex in the fields without protection, bare-breasted spaced-out, boozed up babes flashing their titties (well Jaggedone doesn't mind that!), etc, etc?"

Answer: "Pineapples can be used as dangerous weapons if used incorrectly, especially when not peeled, and if the bands are crap, which is normal at our events! They also cause diarrhea if consumed in great amounts and our toilets stink bad enough after several days! We prefer to offer our crowds junk foods for outrageous prices because that's where we earn millions. Also, we like to issue cannabis and other substances illegally behind the counter, and spaced-out loonies dressed like pineapples could give the game away!"

So there you have it festival goers, leave your pineapples at home and dress like any ordinary musical festival goer does; like fucking nutters, and make sure you have your "wellies" in the tent, mud is guaranteed!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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