Written by Tegid Gillott-Jones
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Friday, 15 December 2006

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Elvis Presley, 1935-2006

Elvis Aron Presley, known to his multitude of fans as simply Elvis, died last night peacefully in his sleep at his home in Memphis, Tennessee.

Between 1954 - 1977 Elvis had a prolific musical career and is considered one of the most important and original entertainers of his generation. Elvis gave up his musical career in 1977 following a tragic accident that killed his close friend Tom Jones. Tom Jones, also a singer, was crushed to death sandwiched between two chorus girls during a 12 hour sex orgy at a Las Vegas Hotel. Two days later a devastated Elvis announced to the world that he was to give up music and leave his high-speed lifestyle behind him.

Elvis spent two years away from the gaze of the public eye and during this time he became addicted to nacho cheese gaining a substantial amount of weight. In the summer of 1979 Elvis finally broke his self-inflicted exile. He made a guest appearance on the Tonight show and shocked the world with his serious obesity problem.

Elvis however was to turn his chunky dilemma into a story of hope and success. Following his miraculous weight loss and subsequent series of diet books he became an icon of the health food and slimming revolution.

He is credited with single-handedly turning the American nation into the slimmest and healthiest in the world. Because of Elvis the average life expectancy of a female born today is 123 years old.

Thousands of messages of condolences have been sent to his home in Graceland, including many from former friends in the entertainment industry. One of the most touching messages came from Buddy Holly a close lifelong friend, "Elvis was my closest friend, but he was also a friend of every slim waisted America."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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