Written by James Cavahl
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Thursday, 4 May 2017

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Mr Average

Hollywood - Brad Pitt has revealed that he is no longer hot enough to be a Hollywood hunk and will therefore be shortly taken out behind a barn and shot.

"We always knew this day would come," said Pitt's longtime publicist. "Brad is not aging well. He's always been a pretty boy, and like most pretty boys he doesn't have the kind of classically handsome face to become a silver fox like George Clooney. Unfortunately, this means it's the end of the line for Brad. Hollywood has a strict eugenics policy in place, and any A-lister who falls below the ideal of genetic perfection must be eliminated from the talent pool."

Pitt recently revealed that he's been suffering from depression ever since he hit fifty and began to look more like the average guy than the chiseled Adonis of yore.

"Without my god-like looks and legion of adoring fans I can't go on," said a visibly dejected Pitt. "Better they put a bullet in the back of my head now rather than let me linger in a miserable retirement that would only end with an overdose of prescription medication anyway."

Pitt's publicist says the execution will be a private ceremony and has asked the paparazzi to maintain a respectful distance with their long-lens cameras.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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