Written by XRhonda Speaks
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Saturday, 15 April 2017

image for Bill O'Reilly Has Neck Surgery While on "Vacation"
After allegations of sexual harassment, FOX may replace Bill O'Reilly with a turkey.

Bill O'Reilly has quickly realized he can't control the unflattering pictures of him the media have published alongside stories of his alleged sexual harassment of colleagues. So, he decided to do the one thing he could do to improve his appearance: The conservative talk TV host hired an entire team of plastic surgeons to fix his epic turkey neck while he took a vacation from FOX.

A FOX staffer told this reporter on the QT that the visual oddity of O'Reilly's protruding neck tissue was the least of his problems, and that the drag of his excess neck tissue was affecting his speaking voice and causing him chronic pain.

"O'Reilly learned to live with the neck pain and had grown accustomed to the flattering lighting and camera angles our studio crew at Fox had devised. What changed was when O'Reilly saw pictures of himself produced by freelancers and photographers for the wire services, he was pissed off that no one had told him how bad his neck really was."

Dr. Lan Papist, a spinal specialist, said O'Reilly is likely suffering from excess cervical lordosis, a sometimes painful over-curvature of the upper spine that can be caused by severe turkey necks and Jabba the Hutt chins that deform the neck.

"Often in these types of patients we see compressions in the back of the the C4 to C6 vertebrae as the curvature of the neck gets exaggerated by the pull of the excess tissue. If O'Reilly's condition is caused by adipose neck tissue, he has a very high chance of getting relief with this surgery. They've wisely got a team of surgeons and extra assistants to handle the neck and excess tissue during the separation, as they should when operating on a late stage patient like O'Reilly."

Fox expects their embattled TV host to return to sexually harassing co-workers in just a few weeks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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