Ageing drug-addled rocker Keith Richards has announced the opening of an "exhilarating theme-park ride" in his garden shed. Richards, 94, held a brief press conference this afternoon.
Tickets would be available in exchange for hard drugs, and customers would experience a "mind-blowing journey through four dimensions". When asked how he had managed to fit a rollercoaster inside his shed, Richards explained simply, "I removed a load-bearing beam."
However, potential customers are warned that this is not the first time Keith Richards has attempted to start a theme park. In 2002, notoriously he announced that he had built a water park in his attic. When journalists arrived to see the new attraction, it wasn't there. Keith had appeared surprised, saying, "It was here a minute ago."