Written by K.C. Bell
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Wednesday, 1 March 2017

image for Warren Beatty Has To Be Scripted

He isn't a blond, but apparently Warren Beatty has to be tightly scripted, or he'll be mystified by words on a piece of paper, stumble into a confused state, blink, refocus his eyes, blink again and ask the lady standing next to him to come to his rescue.

Emma Stone's name was written as the best actress winner on the piece of paper pulled out of Mr. Beatty's envelope. It wasn't an Einstein equation. It was: Emma Stone, Best Actress for La La Land. Was he asleep a few seconds earlier when she was presented with an Oscar for best actress?

One plus one should have equaled: This is the wrong envelope. No problem. It wasn't as though her name were written in stone. Mailmen always deliver letters to the incorrect address.

But Warren stood there perplexed, as though the pilot was found dead and he had to take control of a 747. "Daaaaaaa."

Enter Faye Dunaway wearing a boring new dress with about as much glamour and style as the tube-cover worn by Emma Stone. Beatty unloaded the winner's envelope like a dirty diaper and continued to blink and look about like, yes, a deer in the headlights.

You have to feel for Annette Bening. "Honey, can you pick up a quart of milk?"

"What?"

"I'll write it down on a piece of paper."

"What?"

"I'll put it in script form."

"Got it."

After clearing up the Best Picture Award confusion, (Moonlight won best picture award and not La La Land) everyone announced: It wasn't poor Warren's fault.

And: Can't that Faye Dunaway read? She should have known better.

The comparison to Hillary Clinton's presidential loss came to mind. Could Trump's win also be a mistake? Should Trump have received the Emma Stone best actress award instead of the White House?

After Hillary lost on election night, everyone announced that she ran a bad campaign and never addressed the issues…

Wait, she was ahead in the polls. Even Trump thought he was going to lose. He was the La La Land candidate.

Appoint a Special Prosecutor, not Warren Beatty.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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