Written by Jalapenoman
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Wednesday, 13 December 2006

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Actress and Party Girl Lindsay Lohan celebrated her first week of sobriety at a Hollywood Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Representatives of the Guinness Book of World Records and Ripley's Believe it or Not museums were both in attendance.

"Yes, said the actress, "I'm sober. It's been one hell of a rough week, but I actually managed to make it through a whole seven days without any alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, Nyquil, crack, crank, angel dust, uppers, downers, ludes, heroin, diet pills, or anything! It feels really weird. I actually woke up this morning with all of my clothes still on and no strange hickeys or unexplained teeth marks on my breasts. I was even thinking about going to church with my Mom this Sunday."

Robert Guiness, of the record book, said that "this is the first time any non-Mormon celebrity has actually managed to make it seven days without hitting the bottle, or hitting a policeman for that matter. You expect sobriety and a stuck up, constipated look out of Marie Osmond and the like, but this is one of the swinging skanks! We're taking pictures and planning on featuring this young lady on the cover of next year's book. If she agrees to pose like Britney getting out of her car, it is destined to become the biggest selling book of all time, after the Bible."

David Ripley said that "we are planning on creating a wax figure of her for our museums. I personally find it hard to believe that she has made it this long, but this is one of those freaky things that happen that we love to document. If she actually goes to church on Sunday, we might pose her in a modest dress for the statue, just to really shock people."

Sadly, the streak ended that night as Lohan chose to celebrate her sobriety by challenging everyone to see who could knock down the most shooters and by seeing how many lines she could do in ten minutes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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