Written by T. Loaf
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Sunday, 13 November 2016

Her Majesty's Principal Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, Karen Bradley, has been asked by MPs to reconsider approval of the printing of J.K. Rowling's latest novel, 'Harry Potter and the Nipple Pumps'.

"OK", explained the Culture Secretary, "BDSM is spreading, I guess, especially if you look to Westminster, and they've all grown up, and I can see Rowling's open mind here. Hagrid as perpetrator, or the executor, of bondage ceremonies in his little bungalow. And the discipline, dominance and submission rituals exerted by teaching staff. However, sadism and masochism on the part of pupils is somewhat disturbing........though I would like to see the screen version.....for assessment purposes only, of course...."

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is taken to a new level by Rowling, with Hagrid tormenting and torturing his beloved schoolkids, and Ron Weasly being forced to solitary confinement: he has to watch endless repeats of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Sadism in the extreme.

Hermine Granger, stretched out with wrist and ankle restraints, is subjected to speeches by Donald Trump and Tony Blair, while Harry Potter is revealed as a masochistic freak, locking himself into a time warp zone with Gary Glitter.

"It's pretty hefty stuff, but....well, I like it," commented Bradley. "It's different. I mean, we all had to handle Nigel Farage for months, so this is really nothing in particular. And, you should see what we get up to at our Cabinet meetings........."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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