Admitting that she lied about using some of the products she shills, Ellen DeGeneres gave a tearful apology to her fans for misleading them.
That would be the end of it, if not for researcher Dr. Jett Marquin. Marquin analyzed Ellen's apology frame by frame and was shocked to see all of the micro-aggressive signals Ellen was giving during her apology.
Micro-aggressions are what happens when a person says one thing but other emotions like anger or rage are betrayed by the speakers face, but only for a fraction of a second and so they are not usually visible to the naked eye.
Dr. Marquin explained how she looks for micro-aggressions.
"In a controlled situation I would video the subject at 500 frames per second, then we can really see everything," Dr. Marquin explained. "The video we have of Ellen is not our own but we can still go through frame by frame and clearly see Ellen's micro-aggressions. For example we see these brief but very angry expressions when we freeze frame on the words "sorry," "network," and "money," also these frames line up neatly with the voice stress analysis."
"This does not mean that Ellen or any subject for that matter is lying when we see these kinds of results in frame by frame analysis. But we can take all of this information in the larger context of what the speaker is saying and doing. In Ellen's case she may be truly angry about having to apologize for not using the products she said she did, or she may have some internal conflicts relating to what she is doing and saying to sell the products."
The upshot here for you the reader is that there is a new product that can help tame micro-aggressions, and even Ellen doesn't know about this yet, or she would be in control of her own micro-aggressions.
Scientists from The Netherlands have developed Serene Skin, a new skin cream that uses a Botox solution to help eliminate micro-aggressions which can appear as facial tics to the eye and can contribute to wrinkles as well.
Marketed in the US by Bausch and Lomb, Serene Skin is available over the counter. It's different than Botox injections because the cream works only on the surface skin and outer facial muscles where micro-aggressions appear. Serene skin is applied topically and a single application is effective for four to eight hours.
Now you can take advantage of this new discovery and order the secret weapon that even Ellen doesn't know about. Be in control of your micro-aggressions at work, at the weekly poker game, on dates, and at family holiday gatherings.
Spoof readers will get a free sample just by mentioning the Spoof, but quantities are limited, so act now!
Cautions: Some side effects may include, drowsiness, nausea, headaches, forgetfulness, weird hair growth, dry mouth, loss of hair, and overcompensating aggressive behavior.
Contact your doctor or therapist immediately if you have homicidal thoughts or the sudden desire to do stand-up comedy as these may be symptoms of more serious sociopathic tendencies.