Los Angeles, CA - Details are emerging now about a pending divorce settlement between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, in which Jolie gets all the children.
"Mr. Pitt always found them annoying," his own attorney said.
He went on to say that Jolie "insisted" on adopting "third worlders" and used them as "liberal goody, goody trophies", mostly to annoy her father, Jon Voight, an outspoken Hollywood conservative who hates the UN.
"Basically, Mr. Pitt resented her adopting a new non-white child every month as an attention getting measure, just in case her father hadn't noticed that she'd lopped one of her body parts off to prevent it from getting cancer," Mr. Pitt's attorney said.
Calling the children "annoying" and seeing no point in "rearing a United Colors of Benneton Ad that obviously did not spring from my California surf dude loins", Pitt released a statement saying he preferred living below the poverty line over agreeing to the drug rehabilitation and drug testing regimen Jolie insists upon as a condition for visitation.
"If she wants them to have a male figure to look up to, might I suggest her right-wing father," Pitt wrote in stoned crayon.