Written by Auntie Matter
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Sunday, 21 August 2016

image for First Charisma Awards Competition
Luxifer's "Benchmark"

Hiram Grabbit of Los Angeles PR firm, LUXIFER INC., has set up what could be a global, national contest to rival Miss World and The Oscars.

Luxifer has, in the past, worked closely with Scratchi and Scratchi of London in the business of cultivating celebrity profiles for sheeple consumption.

Winston Churchill and Maggie Thatcher are just two of Luxifer's best and most famous creations. Explained Grabbit.

"Statesmen, politicians and celebrities, as well as the rich and famous, have all taken counsel from us at one time or another. Sheeple hypnosis has never been easier now that our men in power have total control of the media but... still we have our work cut out.

"Given our brief to cultivate Donald Trump for the White House we had first to find him his own television series and portray him via that as a no-nonsense CEO capable of putting his country's interests above petty, private "concerns. I created the show myself.

"My nickname around here is "Hiram And Fire'em". Not a lot of sheeple know that. Trump is a better actor than we give him credit for. We also got the brief for Hillary Clinton but we will not talk about that. Let's just say, we were the first to know who will be our next president. We operate in top secrecy you see."

Mr. Grabbit went on to explain the forthcoming competition and its criteria. Anyone in the world can be put forward as a contestant. They have many boxes to tick however and criteria to meet, chief among them, explained the impresario are: charisma, belief in self, solid identity and 'oneness' with the people.

Of course they don't have to actually be one with the people, they just have to believe they are.

"Barack scores high," Grabbit explained, "It took us ages to find a suitable model to base him on. But, we got him there thanks to an actor friend who took a fair bit of bribing.

"Kissinger is ours. Kissinger has it all. Had Kissinger been president during the Cuban missile crisis I doubt if planet earth would still be here, he's that good.

"Putin is good but not as good as Barack in our view and Bernie Sanders, we needn't tell you, refused our services.

"In entertainment, we did what we could with Rowling but she was already tied in with big lawyers like Skillings who have a hell of a time trying to stop any serious investigation into the lady or how she managed to be the most prolific fiction writer since Dickens after a very late start. Had she stayed with us she might have become the actress she always wanted to be and ran less risk of the wheels falling off.

"The wheels did fall off for Blair, but he never could resist demonstrating his Masonic links. Even during his investigation he could not resist wearing the white shirt and black jacket with matching tie. He became a liability.

"Success can do that to people. You get to believe you can fool all of the sheeple All of the time. You cannot.

"We did well with him though and managed to get the States to invade Iraq thanks mainly to the formidable charisma that we at Luxifer instilled into him. In history, Hitler is still the benchmark. Napoleon a good second.

"Jesus Christ, according to Hebrew myth, had presence second to none... but lacked all ambition. We might have been able to do something with him had we been around at the time. We did not really hit our stride until we invented the television and made sure everybody had one.

"We seek guys with get up and go, guys with nerve. Guys who have that "Hiram and Fir'em" hunger... who are not afraid to take what they want. It never ceases to amaze me what you can get away with while the sheeple are munching the grass."

The Charisma Awards certainly look like taking off. First competition will be staged in Los Angeles's Scientology Temple, compered by another of Luxifer's most illustrious pupils Tom Cruise.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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