Written by Backandtotheleft
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Topics: Alcohol, water

Thursday, 26 May 2016

image for Water Waste Of Time
As you can see water has a detrimental effect on the brain

One thing you can always rely on with BATTL News is that we will eventually come back with something irrelevant and pointless just when you thought we'd finally buggered off.

Yet after discovering that a "Water Only Bar" was to open in London we knew we had to make a triumphant come back into the world of serious journalism. We couldn't allow such a crime against alcohol consumption to go unreported. So after dragging ourselves onto a South bound train and hiding in a luggage rack we set off to London.

We took ourselves down to Selfridges where the bar was set to open and (after a lengthy discussing with security over the theft of 3000 coat hangers two years ago) we were told we weren't allowed in.

So we had to meet our contact at a Mc Donald's. Former restaurant manager Martin Riese was a man with a insight into the water bar craze that could soon be sweeping the country like a small pox epidemic.

So Mr Riese.....actually Martin Riese sounds quite a lot like Martin Riggs. You know from Lethal Weapon?

I've never heard that one before.

Really? You'd have thought someone would have brought that up.

Well they haven't

Oh.

I'm sorry-

No need to apologise a lot of people suffer from extreme body odour.

Excuse me?

You're excused. So about this water bar. We haven't heard anything so stupid since they did that fake documentary on Donald Trump running in the US elections.

That's actually happening.

What? Oh man this world is so much better when you're not sober.

Are you sober now?

We both hold up a bottle of Buckfast to answer his question

Ok why would anyone want to open such a place?

Well like wine one can actually taste the region and depth from which the water comes

Will there be alcohol in the water?

No

Seems like a bit of a shitty bar.....

We let the words hang like a brigand in the early 1500s just swaying in the breeze.

You're not a proper journalist are you?

We held up the bottle of buckfast.

What gave us away?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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