Written by Sam Trier
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Topics: Guns

Monday, 18 January 2016

Today, 18 January 2026, we can report the launch of America's newest and most exciting channel. Gunbattle TV will start at midnight tonight. It will initially run for a few hours each night, before expanding into 24-hour format within the first year.

The channel's tagline is "Live murder. Totally uncensored". Shows proposed for the channel include Biggest Bodycount and Classic Massacres. There will be in-depth interviews with perpetrators and victims, or their families if the latter are deceased.

Co-founder Candy Castle was proud to announce that the channel will be launched across all 50 states on the same day. She also stated that it was inevitable that Gunbattle TV will eventually grow into a full 24-hour channel as the rate of murder by firearms continues to grow. The US is now averaging over 130 shooting deaths a day, equivalent to more than 47,000 a year. "Naturally, this is great news for our channel. Our audiences will be receiving an almost unimaginable diversity of shootouts, with fresh footage becoming available each and every day."

Law enforcement officers have given the new channel their tick of approval, stating that American citizens would be seeing their finest men in their finest hour, protecting the lives and livelihoods of the innocent.

"For the first time, audiences will see everything, completely uncensored," Ms Castle said. "There will be expert analysis of how each battle unfolded. Viewers can also expect advice on what to do if they are unlucky enough to be caught in a gun battle themselves, depending on what type of firearm they happen to be carrying at the time. We will be showing every type of weapon. Nothing will be concealed."

Gunbattle TV will be funded by the company behind the extraordinarily successful Gun TV, which was launched exactly ten years ago, in January 2016, and remains America's most popular 24-hour shopping channel.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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