Written by McFarlan Ford
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Topics: Drugs, Music

Monday, 4 December 2006

image for Doherty 'Genetically Resilient to Jail'

In the same way that rhino's are hunted for the mythical aphrodisiac qualities of their horns, singer Pete Doherty is currently being sought in order to examine his astounding resilience against going to jail. Interest has been brewing for sometime due to Doherty repeatedly avoiding any worthwhile punishment for a variety of crimes, but this weeks events have bought it to the fore.

Doctors, psychiatrists and top law enforcement officials awaited his latest sentence in a specially prepared investigation room at Scotland Yard. When the announcement was given that he would only be fined, the atmosphere amongst the gathered parties turned electric, as their hypothesis was close to being authenticated. Doctor Clavicle PhD, who is the author of the paper entitled 'The Doherty Effect', explained what this decision meant.

"I believe that Mr. Doherty may possess a genetic resilience to harsh punishments of any kind. My paper likens this genetic code to that of water rolling off a ducks back or cats always landing on their feet, he will be a fascinating subject to study."

The police are less enthused about the day?s events than Doctor Clavicle, with Inspector Bush saying "If Doherty really is impervious to prison; this will be a serious problem for us. What if there are others like him out there, or he has any offspring who inherit this condition? We will be over run with skinny, violent, drug abusing musicians who we can't send to jail!"

Outside the courtroom where sentencing took place, fans and onlookers seemed to be catching on that there may be something special about Pete. Nine-year old fan Beverly Hardly told reporters "He's not going to jail? It's amazing! How does he manage to get away with it?" Her sentiments where echoed by fellow fan, 11-year old Tolstoy Grim who added "When I reach 16, I want to be just like Pete!"

Peter Doherty will be appearing at the London Apollo, Bristol Academy and Magistrates Courts around the country over the next six months.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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