On Thursday morning of this past week, Dr. Maxwell Zilberhammer of the Great White North Health Sciences Laboratory announced the results of a DNA test ordered and paid for by the campaign of recently defeated Canadian Prime Minister Harpo Stevens. It confirmed what has long been suspected: Justin Trudeau's father is actually Mick Jagger.
Response from the Harpo Stevens campaign team was raucous and bitter. "We called that kid every name in the book", said propaganda chair Max Guttersnipe, "except 'bastard'. Turns out he is a bastard. A legitimate bastard--uh, wait, I have to work on the wording of that."
"You have four years to find the best way to spin that, Max", replied Harpo Stevens.
When contacted by reporters, Sir Mick refused to comment directly on the test results, but only referred to a YouTube video which he recently posted. Billed as a sneak preview of his upcoming solo album, the video opens with Jagger, wearing a Darth Vader helmet, announcing: "Justin! I am your father!" Jagger proceeds to remove the helmet, sit down at his baby grand piano, and play an intro reminiscent of the Stones' hit "Angie". Eight measures in, the first verse begins:
"How could I know, as she rode my erection,
that our lovechild would go on to win an election?
But, since Ottawa winters are so cold and snowy,
I flew back to England to jump David Bowie."
Here, the video abruptly ends, leaving viewers to wonder: What rhymes with "fudgepacker"?