Sources close to tears were said to be very upset yesterday that there was absolutely no news about publicity seekers Britney Spears, Madonna or Pamela Anderson. Newspapers are being printed with pages completely blank, where editors usually rely on at least one of the trio to have got married, divorced or into a fight, while several gossip magazines have already folded.
"This has quite simply never happened before", claimed one editor, "There's always been one of them desperate enough for a bit of attention to do something controversial, and on the rare occasions they don't we just make it up. The is that we've run out of things to invent. There's just nothing left to say about them!"
The effect of this dearth of gossip has also spread to other areas of the media. Satirists have been particularly hard hit, one of whom commented, "This is an absolute disaster! Without material on vacuous celebrities I'm going to actually have to read a newspaper and make jokes about a real news story." Sales of "Current affairs for Dummies" are said to have rocketed in the past 24 hours, largely due to the satirists' dilemma.
In a desperate bid to get some gossip back into the headlines, newspapers have been contacting other contentious stars such as Eminem, Paris Hilton and Heather McCartney but with very little success. Miss McCartney is believed to have accused her ex-husband of killing her and burying her in the garden while Eminem has once again given a nationally televised interview pleading with the media to stop taking an interest in him, but we've heard it all before.
"We're in a very bad place right now", claimed one columnist, who has been forced to resort to writing about global warming in the face of the scandal dearth. "We can only hope that tomorrow one of them adopts an African boy or has a fight with their psycho rock-star boyfriend. If not...... God help us, we might be forced to write about politics."