The X-Factor began this week with a massive ratings slump as the new line up of judges (The Dark Lord Cowell, Face and Boobs One, Face and Boobs Two and Some Bloke From the Radio we Suspect Might Actually Be A Cardboard Cutout) failed to draw in the confused frightened masses. Many fingers have being pointed and many things blamed but one man knows where the real problems lie. The Bringer Of The End Times himself concluded.
"Hard work and sacrifice. But mainly dozens of blood sacrifices. That's what was missing. It's Rita's fault her incredibly boring personality frightened off many potential offerings to my Gods."
With Cheryl's eyes long dead and the man (Grimey? Grimble?) obviously not qualified to be there many had pinned their hopes on Rita bringing some star quality. But alas it seems that her entire talent is purely great marketing and a outstanding song writing team.
We're not sure why "The Lord Of The Ever Churning Black Void" is worried as he knows when Strictly come on the petrified viewers will com flooding back to him. Wishing to suckle once more on his favoured brand of TV mediocrity as he slowly drains their will to live. This is because the Strictly line up is pinning it's hopes on Peter Andre. Which is like hoping your dog will pass your A-Levels for you.