Written by Dick Sheerer
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Topics: Circus, lion, man eating

Sunday, 26 July 2015

image for Cops: No Clue Who Slew Circus Crewman
lion

One morning while working as a lion trainer for a traveling circus, a handsome devil with a promising career in show business named Lester Dean was having a wonderful day until his face was suddenly slashed with the razor sharp claws of a lion prior to being mauled to death, dragged away, and devoured.

Hours later his eviscerated carcass was discovered by resident clown Wrongold McConnell with its bones stripped of flesh. The rest of the circus staff was shocked about the atrocity, but not because they cared about the victim. Although Lester was a fellow coworker worthy of love and compassion, who despite his faults was an honorable man that deserved their respect and admiration, and regardless of his imperfections he was still a noble soul. None of that mattered. All they cared about was how the negative publicity might affect ticket sales, nothing more.

The consensus among his colleagues was that the esteemed Mr. Dean was indeed a nobody. To them he was just a hunk of meat that god wanted dead, otherwise god would have kept him alive -- and that's a fact. Nope. As far as they were concerned the definition of lion trainer is the same as lion bait. He served his purpose in this world until it was time for him to go. It's nature's way. Nobody lives forever - least of all a lion trainer.

But the time for philosophizing had passed and now it was time to act. They needed to cover up the incident but it was too late. Before anyone had a chance to hide the remains and destroy evidence of the tragedy the police already arrived looking for a scapegoat to frame and execute. But since goats are not circus animals none were present to take the blame. So the cops focused their investigation on the other performers instead. They all denied any involvement in the bloody slaughter that occurred on that fateful day under the big tent.

But after 3 days of intense round-the-clock interrogation and torture the daring young man on the flying trapeze finally admitted that he despised Lester, who was straight, for rejecting his romantic overtures. He said he tried to seduce the lion trainer with expensive gifts and his nude photos -- to no avail. His ongoing attempt to physically molest the victim was an exercise in futility as well. The police eventually ruled him out as a suspect, but shot him anyway for the hell of it.

As highly trained professional forensic experts the cops knew the likelihood of an animal attack was next to nil. They were absolutely certain that the chances of a man being eaten by a man-eating lion were way beyond the realms of possibility. Even though the world famous Amazing Crayzini Brothers acrobats passed a polygraph test, their eye-witness account of the lion attack, as well as the photographs and video footage they shot of the event was dubious at best.

The police surmised that the rationale behind the lion attack theory defied logic, because if Dean was a lion trainer why would he train the lion to kill him. It doesn't add up because it makes no sense at all, and nothing anyone could ever say would convince them otherwise. Because even though everyone insisted that the death was the result of a vicious unprovoked assault by a wild beast. None of them could explain why. The fact that he Lester was playfully jabbing the big cat with an ice pick prior to his sudden death had nothing to do with it. Because he practiced the very same pricking technique on an artificial lion stuffed with straw that looked just as ferocious as the real one and nothing happened. So there.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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