Written by Samuel Vargo
Rating:
Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Condoms

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

image for Crazy "Jackass"-like Norwegian PSA blasts young people for not adding a condom to their sexy times
Use a condom or your reaction after a doctor's report will look like this horrified guy.

If you get hit with confetti ejaculated from a giant penis in Norway, you may have been STDed. The joke's on you, but it's no laughing matter. Unprotected sex can make your life as miserable as hell. It can also kill you as dead as a .44 magnum.

In an effort to encourage young Norwegians to practice safe sex, a weirded-out public service announcement on the country's television stations shows innocent bystanders blasted with confetti shot from a man in a penis suit, so reports Huff Post Weird News.

In typical Jackass fashion, looking as if it was a creation of Johnny Knoxville himself, the advertisement opens with a scene of three sunbathers laying on the beach, dozing and soaking in the sun's rays. All of a sudden, a man in a giant penis suit approaches them, points his penis head in their direction, and blasts them with a loud ejaculation of confetti. They are shocked. They jump out of their slumber in surprise, even horror, after the bombastic explosion of confetti spray.

Then it's off to somewhere and someone else for the big penis. He takes a dash for it, with two round accoutrements jiggling below his knees, and he finds a young couple sitting on a bench enjoying a lovers' embrace. In stealth, the penis guy approaches them from the rear and blasts them with confetti. "Augh," the young man cries as his girlfriend looks in terror at the strange zoot-suit with all that testosterone-driven, big-balled nerve.

The PSA's last little scene involves a group of young people sitting outside a café. The penis guy walks out the door of the café and as the group is chatting at a table, oblivious to the big penis suit and its encroachment on their conversation. Yep, they're blasted, too. "Ugh!" one of the young guys at the table cries as the others can't believe the whacko occurrence that just bangs them all with a loud fusillade of brightly colored confetti.

The PSA ends with some kind of white print on a black screen advising people to wear condoms. - I can't read or speak Norwegian, but I recognize the word condom, something that seems to have lost its place on many a bedside table in these diseased and dysfunctional times.

Yeppers, it's all about a man wearing a rubber during sex. It's not fail proof, but it's a lot better than going bare back. Produced for Norway by the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education, this PSA could easily be shown on American TV, with the simple replacement of the message at the end being translated from the Norwegian language to King's English. Ditto for all of the U.K. and actually, every other country in the world. Simply use the penis-blasting drama as is, with a young guy crying "Ugh!" after every scene, replace the written advisory at the end with the mother tongue of the country in which the commercial is aired, and anyone in the world will surely get the point. The drama is totally transparent. Rude, crude, and maybe even revolting, but it's very clear.

Sure, fallout from some of the sanctimonious and self-righteous will surely arise but will kids stop having sex with all that lecturing and sermonizing? Hell's fire and brimstone be damned, if you believe this will be the case, I have a dormant volcano in Maine that I'd like to get off my hands. I want $1,000 for it, but if you send me cash or a money order for $20, it's yours - tax, title, & deed.

Gather ye' rosebuds while ye' may: A mixture of sexually transmitted fluids from casual bedtime associates produces liquids that can make you one miserable cretin. Just give it time. And putting a thin buffer in between can save your precious, myopic, lustful, little life. Although AIDS isn't mentioned very much these days, it's still around and once you have it, just go to the store selling graveside memorials and make out your last will and testament. Make sure your 15-year-old sister gets your polluted iPod and your baby brother - dad and mom's 'mistake' - gets all those stuffed animals that are up in the attic that laid in your crib when you were a baby.

It's all over except the wake and burial. You're as dead as a broken door knob!

According to Huff Post Weird News: "A spokesperson for the Involve! ad agency behind the spot told the Mirror the commercial is intended to highlight the fun and naughtiness of sex, though admittedly many over 30 "'thought the campaign was pointless and some went so far as to brand it banal and idiotic.'"

"Silly as it is, the video aims its use-a-condom message at 16- to 25-year-olds, the Telegraph reported. "'This is a group that is not swayed by lecturing, facts or scaremongering,'" RFSU's Christina Placht said in the Huff Post Weird News online article.

Although anyone over the age of 30 probably cries out "Augh!" or "Ugh!" every time this commercial comes on Norwegian TV, as sophomoric and slap-stickily silly as much of the target audience is, it might just be working. If it saves lives, or at least makes them uncomplicated, it's all well and good.

"The guy wearing the getup, 19-year-old student Philip van Eck, reportedly told a Norwegian outlet that he's happy to do his part: "'I thought it was hilarious. If I can help others, just by being a dick, there is nothing better.'"

Pretty funny stuff, huh kid? Well although sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) affect individuals of all ages, STDs have taken a particularly heavy toll on young people. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that young people between the ages of 15 and 24 make up just over one quarter of the sexually active population, but they comprise half the 20 million new sexually transmitted infections that occur in the United States each year.

It's kind of dramatic and interesting watching the various walking-dead zombies hoofing it around on AMC's hit TV show The Walking Dead, but do you really want to look and become part of their ranks? Do you want to become an STD zombie? Well keep firing those blanks all over the place and sooner or later, your lucky number will surely come up!

If you really want to discover how serious STDs are, just ask a cop. Police in Texas take this very seriously and if you spit on a cop in Texas, there's a good chance you might be charged with a second-degree felony. At the crux of this legal quagmire is that spitting on anyone can create a real threat of an STD, like AIDS, being transmitted. And a Texas woman was sentenced in early may to a five-year prison term for spitting on a police officer. Before this law even became law in the Lone Star State, in late-May 2013, an HIV and hepatitis-stricken young man was charged with aggravated assault for spitting on a cop.

Ever watch the long-running TV series Cops? After every body search, do you know why those cops ask "Do you have anything sharp, like a needle, in your pants pocket?" Well, it's not that these cops are wimps and don't want to get pinched. No, no, no - actually, they're as tough as tungsten four-by-fours. It's because they're smart and value their lives. A quick stab by a hypodermic that's tainted with the AIDS virus can put them in an early grave.

So be polite and respectful to the police and make sure you wrap that rascal. Always remember people lie like the devil. Didn't your mama tell you this when you were a kid? If the guy or girl you just met told you she's still a virgin "but I want to try sex a little bit," maybe she is actually the North Side slut and has had 20 sexual partners in the last year. And just think if each one of these people was also promiscuous. And we're not going past a year on this little sexual actuary game. Perhaps you're not going to have sex with a virgin at all, but you'll be having a fun time with 34,500 other people.

Just like Charles Spurgeon said, "A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."

Stay alive and stay young as long as you can. Growing old sucks, but at least the sex drive diminishes quite a bit.

But you still want to get old, don't you?

Believe me, you don't want any of the nasty bed bugs that are making the rounds these days.

Make Samuel Vargo's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!


More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 5 multiplied by 1?

9 13 8 5
41 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more