Written by Auntie Matter
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Sunday, 10 May 2015

image for What the Hell are the Royals Doing in New Zealand of All Places?
New Zealand's Queen

In order to answer this simple question our magazine "Conned Weekly" contacted Lord Hiram Abiff Cook of the British Foreign Office London who candidly answered unaware that we had recorded the conversation. Here is what he said:

Well, old sport... what Lodge did you say you belonged to? Hmmm, I didn't know we had one in Kathmandu... Anyway, to answer your question... during our last Bilderberg pow-wow it became clear to us that we must consolidate our influence in the region as soon as possible if we are to take control of the Asia-Pacific markets which is the key to political control of the region. In the old days, we would send in troops and that would have been that. Now we take control by emigration, business ties and media monopoly. It is much the same thing really with less noise and in many ways more effective so long as we keep the Muggles suitably entranced. Soft imperialism you could say, our New World Order strategy. With China and Russia flexing its muscles of late we foresee a time when missiles and troops will have to be stationed in New Zealand; so the more support and cooperation we can muster from the Kiwi Sheeple the better. As with Australia, it is clear to us that we must cultivate an economic and cultural dependency on England. Absolutely. We will be looking to take over their aviation industry probably via Branson just as we did in Australia. And with the help of Monsanto we will take over their agricultural and dairy production and exports in due course.

Meanwhile, our key players will be infiltrated into the press, television, education and the media for the same purpose. That is why our Royals never leave Australia and why they are presently in New Zealand. Massive turnout in Wellington for William, Kate and the brat. Inspired allusion in the tabloids about "Beatlemania", most effective. Quite exaggerated of course, not a word about protesters anywhere. Yes, I know old boy it is quite blatant and one would be inclined to use the word "racist" perhaps but that would be most unfair. The country is monarchist after all with its Governor General and state Muggle worship of Her Majesty. It is a dominion of Great Britain and will be increasingly so in the very near future despite all the waffle from the Maori indigenous population. Those people act like they own the place. We will be more than ready for any silly moves towards independence, just as we were with the retarded Ozzies. Damn fools couldn't even make sense of the ballot papers by the time we had done with them. The Kiwis can expect regular visits from the Royals from now on,... until we get what we want for ourselves and our main colony overseas... the United States of America.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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