Written by Auntie Matter
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Wednesday, 15 April 2015

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By Sheeple Demand. Harry Potter 8 !

Due to popular demand J.K. Rowling has succumbed to unexpectedly writing Harry Potter Book Eight.

"I know I said I had stopped at Book Seven and would never write another... and I am sooooo embarrassed, believe me. But my controllers,... er... backers," she explained, "simply want more money. Isn't it ridiculous after all the millions I made for them? Sadly, I have to comply or the media might start saying bad things about me like they did with Prince Charles (laughing)... and we have the franchises to protect and future film deals, and the magical royalties, of course, stretching far into the future which are sooooooo lucrative. I don't know the exact figure... but it is huge. Harry will go on forever like James Bond. By the time I am finished I will have written more words than Leo Tolstoy in a quarter of the time. Isn't that soooo amazing?"

This time around, the plot focuses on the flaxen haired Hermione Granger. Hermione begins as a humble schoolgirl who daydreams of being a great writer. But her greatest ambition is to save children from poverty and neglect. She knows all about poverty as she once spent a penniless weekend in Edinburgh during a school vacation before her dad, who runs his own business and has many people working for him, managed to wire her some money just in the nick of time.

Hermione dreams of marrying a powerful man who can help her. So, after she graduates with a degree in comparative religion she joins Amnesty International in London; (... religion was never mentioned in her home and she was always baffled as to why she chose it.); and that's where she meets Harry Potter and they quickly fall in love. Harry's uncle is a publishing agent with great contacts in the children's book trade especially Penguin. Indeed, one of his closest drinking buddies is marketing editor there. Harry's uncle is known in the trade as "Mr. Big". It is said he will employ no female in his firm unless she is tall, beautiful, young and single. A known party animal indeed, Mr Big makes sure his public image is that of a shy, retiring intellectual with a great love for England, literature and professional integrity in that order.

Harry wants more than anything to fulfil his sweetheart's dream. One day, he rushes into her office to present her with a well thumbed manuscript in a funny black binder and tells her that "it made my uncle's toes curl when he read it. All you have to do Hermione is change it around a bit and rewrite it in you own fair hand ... and you will be rich and famous. And then we can save the world together."

"But, isn't that ... p... p... plagiarism?" she protests.

"You could call it that," he replies. "But the chap who wrote it and sent it to my uncle is an absolute Muggle as my uncle is a rogue and everybody knows it. So, we will have taught him a valuable lesson about the wicked world."

"We would have... wouldn't we, Harry?" she responds. "I'll do it! You have to have nerve to get on in this world. And that word "Muggle" has given me an idea. Can I use it?"

"Be my guest. My uncle and his team have all the ideas you could ever possibly need. You could write as many books as you like, an entire series, seven, eight, ten... forever my sweet and be the richest writer who ever lived."

"I'd like that, Harry. More than anything. The teachers who bullied me at school would sooooo die of envy."

Hermione, at this stage, does not know that her boyfriend has magical powers and that his uncle is, in fact, a Grand Wizard of the Freemasons with many powerful friends in politics and the media including the editors of The London Times and The Telegraph... not to mention Tony Blair, George W. Bush, Gordon Brown and Peter Mandelson. Soon, she will find out.

She will understand then why they made her rich and famous, so that she can help them take over the world and establish the New World Order that they and their forefathers all the way back to Albert Pike have been dreaming about for many years. And in that way, end the three evils of the world... over-population, freedom of speech and democracy.

Critics are already saying that this could be the best Harry Potter book of them all. The Times and the Telegraph in particular are already claiming it as a "masterpiece". Only one critic from the Evening Standard has called it "crap" but rumour has it that he has since lost his job. Nobody seems to know where he is.

Rowling herself was unavailable for comment as she is busy getting visible proof together that she wrote Book Eight all by herself... with no input whatever... from anyone, least of all from Mr. Big or his team of seasoned writers. An exhibition of her notes etc will soon be on display at Fettes College Edinburgh where her close friend and staunchest supporter Tony Blair was educated.

Make Auntie Matter's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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