Written by Rob Barratt
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Friday, 27 March 2015

Jeremy Clarkson wasted no time in finding a new job, hours after being sacked by the BBC, when he replaced Zayn Malik in One Direction.

Unfortunately, Clarkson's pop career got off to a bad start when he verbally abused and head-butted the rest of the band when they refused to supply him with humble pie.

Clarkson said, "Fxxx the bxxxxxxx! I'll fxxxxxx well do what I like. After a hard day practising dance routines and doing bland boy band backing vocals with a talentless group of reality show karaoke singers I need some fxxxxxx respect!"

Clarkson withdrew his labour in protest but was very surprised when the 1D manager, Phil Mepockets, took Clarkson's own advice on how to deal with striking teachers by taking him outside and shooting him.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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