Written by Auntie Matter
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Thursday, 8 January 2015

Yes, as predicted, the inevitable Harry Potter - The Musical is due to open in Her Majesty's Theatre in London's West End. The opening was scheduled for Christmas Eve but strong intervention from the Tavistock Institute meant it had to be postponed.

Music and lyrics by J.K.Rowling and Andrew Lloyd Webber. Choreography by Hiram Abiff. Sets by Damien Hirst. Costumes by David Hockney. Hoodies by Banksy.

Dubya B of Hollywood, who have a big stake in the production, have sent over their lighting experts. They hope to bring it to Broadway at the end of its London run and next year turn it into a movie. Sinead O'Connor is rumoured to have been offered the film role of Potter and Denzel Washington that of Voldemort. Julie Andrews has made it known that she would love to play Hermione.

Harry Potter on stage will be played by Justin Bieber, Hermione by Lady Gaga, Dudley Dursley by Madonna, Dumbledore by Peter Mandelson. And the biggest surprise, Lord Voldemort will be played by Johnny Depp. This will be the first time Depp has sung in public since he signed up with Disney.

Prince Michael of Kent will formally open the premiere while George W. Bush and friends will sing their favourite song, the one they always sing at Bohemian Grove, the Queen classic; "We are the Champions."

"Mind Control" magazine sent a reporter along to rehearsals to interview Ms. Rowling. Unfortunately, the actual transcript of the impromptu interview was confiscated by her lawyers Schillings and legal proceedings have been threatened against us if we publish any part of it verbatim.

However, we can tell you that Ms. Rowling has indeed got musical ability and can play the comb flawlessly. She was always into music, even in the womb, and sang in the school choir. However, she cannot read a note of music, she laughingly informed us. But when a tune comes to her she simply hums it over the phone to her friend Andrew Loyd Webber and... he takes care of the rest.

She wrote the lyrics during lunch breaks from her current project "A Philosophical Survey of World Folklore" in fourteen volumes. Her editors have been a huge help, she confessed. Genius is ninety-nine percent interest and one percent investment, she reminded us.

The post-premiere banquet will be held at Coventry's Masonic Hall with Tony Blair acting as compere and George Brown as head waiter. The enormous floor has been given a new cover of black and white tiles especially for the occasion. Billy Crystal will provide the jokes. Sir Richard Branson will bend horseshoes with his teeth which he will then auction for charity.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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