Sir Philip Mebag, chairman of the United Federation of UK Bookmakers, compered an end-of-year mammoth banquet last week at Coventry's Masonic Hall, London.
2014 had been a great year he reminded over four hundred guests from the worlds of entertainment, politics, media, publishing and business. Guest of honour was none other than J.K.Rowling. Seated beside her was her erstwhile agent Christopher Little, the third time they have been seen together in public since their mutual 'discovery' in 1995.
"We had a great year all in," said Sir Philip: "Predicting accurately the results of many competitions, especially, snooker, tennis and cricket. (Laughter). "Oh come on! They are not aaall fixed!" (Laughter). We'd be out of business, wouldn't we? We got the Oscars, Grammys and Emmys right. We correctly predicted Scotland would legalize gay marriage and that Elton John would get hitched. We also predicted the Scots would vote against independence. How the hell did we manage that? (Laughter). A toast to our Grand Lodge of Edinburgh! And to our guest of honour for making the journey down from there to visit us. (Rowling gives a regal wave). I can see Tony Blair chuckling in his brandy with George Brown and one of our favourite customers, Peter Mandelson. Peter taught those Russians a thing or two about gambling, eh Peter? And thanks Peter for forewarning us all about the descent of the Ruble. (Standing ovation and round of applause. Peter takes a bow). And so on...and on. So many sure-fire successes in one year! It was absolutely staggering.
And that is not even including our internet gambling advances which is another success story beyond belief. You have no idea how many sheeple sit at home for hours and hours hoping for Jack and the Beanstalk, Spiderman or Cleopatra to make them rich... while we 'randomly select' them and fleece them... by the second. (Uproarious laughter).
And so to our last and crowning achievement. We made an absolute mint on the You-Know-Who Inquiry. (Laughter). A toast to our old chum... Rolf Harris. May they never let him out. Thanks Rolfie, old boy... for sticking to your precious oath... "T'is best that one should perish than all of us go to the can." (Riotous laughter). Let the games for two thousand and fifteen begin! (All toast and sing..."For he's a jolly good fellow... etc, etc.")