Written by Auntie Matter
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Friday, 19 December 2014

image for American Students Sent Home from France in Disgrace
"I Should have Stayed at Home"

Fourteen undergraduates from a college in New York U.S. are currently getting psychological counselling after a return visit from France. The students were hand picked to travel to the Ecole des Roches in Normandy France, for six weeks, in order to learn about the country, brush up on their French and study a foreign culture at close quarters.

Established some 113 years ago the school is thought to be one of the most advanced multi-national colleges in Europe. It's mission ... to develop its students' natural abilities, whatever they may be, to the max.

Twenty-three students set sail from NY. Nine of them were sent home in the first week for all sorts of mischief; but mostly for truancy, abusive language, indolence or skipping class.

Their basic problem apparently was the absence of a grading system. No exam papers were given marks, no gold stars were awarded; and no student, however much he excelled at his studies, was given any applause, awards or public recognition, indeed no reward at all. None of this suited the visitors.

On returning home they gave an interview to their college magazine "Go-Get'em" wherein they cited the following grievances.

Mark: I worked my butt off on three assignments and when I got my papers back they all said the same thing. "You did not answer the questions set." Gee man, what do you have to do? Don't they know good writing when they see it?"

Jane: When I got my first paper back I was confident of a High "B" at least. But they do not give marks. Just a whole lotta shit about where you stuffed up. I mean what's the friggin' point? I did not bother after that. Then, they sent me home.

Brad: I hated the place. Nobody wanted to speak English. Girls think they are something special. I knew from day one I wasn't going to get any pussy from these broads.

Alice: Some of the teachers were real groovy but I couldn't get one to look twice at me even when I wore see-through. They're all faggots. I mean, heaven help France is all I can say!

Vince: Tennis is for sissies. I'd take a bullet rather than wear white shorts. No way man! I laid it on them; and then I axed them... where's the baseball? Dumbasses couldn't answer. All they talked about was cricket. Cricket, that's where some psycho dude disguised as a white cloud throws a ball of concrete at your face with intent to kill and you hope your wire hat will stop him.

Stephanie: You had to have been there, I swear. When I asked them could I join their cheerleader team they did not know.... I swear... they did not know what I was even talking about. I never felt so lonely in all my life. I was glad when they threw me out.

Philip: I read four books for my assignment and when I asked for my twelve bucks they just laughed at me. I was never so glad to get out of that frog-eating pit. My mum is thinking of suing.

Gerard: When I get to Yale and join Skull and Bones I am going to make France top of my removal list. I can see what happened to Joan of Arc. Dem dudes need taught a lesson on how the real world works.

Those who weren't sent home and had to endure the entire six weeks are currently undergoing professional counselling for post traumatic distress, disorientation, francophobia, irrational obsession with frogs... and a hatred for Charles Aznavour records.

Explained Principal Henri Depardieu. "The children were ill-prepared. Many of them thought they could walk to Paris from Normandy in an hour or so and a couple even tried; and most of them expected to be fed burgers, hot dogs and what they called "freedom fries". I am afraid they did not get any of that. Here, at 'des Roches, we do not believe in competition. We do not encourage children to hate each other or themselves; and so, we do not give them silly marks or trophies for natural achievement. You learn here because you want to, for no other reason. The student does his best for himself, not for us. Here, we teach you how to be a human being first and foremost... to examine your beliefs and where they come from; and when you leave 'des Roches, to help the world become a healthier place than when you found it. Here, we teach you how to bring happiness and joy... first of all to yourself and then to all you may meet in your journey through life. It is that simple. If we can achieve that we have done our job as teachers. I am glad they are back home where they belong. I cannot help but feel sorry for them."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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